Top Five Things 'Mericans Should Do Before We Beat Dem Algiers

alright alright alright

So Les Etats-Unis est jouer une match de futbol (onhonhon) against l'Algeria pour un la transition! on ze nexz round of futbol (onhonhon)

Top Five Things 'Mericans Should Do Before We Beat Dem Algiers, (or lose and Nuclear Bomb It's Citizens for its Natural Resources) Tomorrow!

5. Harass a Mexicano

Go up to some unenglishspeakin' sonsabitch and tell him dis is America! chicano and we don't take kindly to yer type in deez parts.

(Strange how redneck vernacular doesn't write any differently than gangsta)

Den, after we're done through harassin' dem Mexicans, and dey provide dair here berf certificate and such, we apologize for the inconvenience and what not. I don't get dis "reasonable suspicion" thing wr now loud to use, but da Mexican dnt speak English all fancy like ... like dem school kids. So wasn't he one of dem illegals?

(I'm going to be serious for a moment and say if speaking decent English was the barometer for Arizona's "reasonable suspicion (after a crime of course)" the American public wouldn't be shunning Arizona nearly as much ... Mike Seaver says that's one to grow on).

4. Go Out, and Support Yer Local Tea Party

I bn goin' ta deez since that coloured fella took o'er office 'ron here. You can bring your guns and what not, and look all intimidatin' like ... make sure blacky gets da point, ya know?

3. For the Love of God, Not Fill Your Tank With BP Gasoline

One of the things I love about my mom is she has logical views on American economic society that I will most likely never have. As a nation of consumers sucked into a ruling two party system that's controlled by economic powers so powerful they could probably kill Rambo, Chuck Norris, Arnold, Bruce Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Die Hard and Jack Bauer combined, I believe our only power is to hit these companies where it hurts, and that's the wallet. How evil are you as a person right now if you're buying BP?

Then my mom will say, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say! Do you want them to declare bankruptcy, have America lose all those jobs, and not have BP pay that debt!

So logical. One day I may think this far in advance. That 'Merican business has to go somewhere though.

2. Eat a Good Breakfast

Stay away from the sweeter things like pancakes, Freedom toast, and mashed potatoes in cellophane (sorry, the Black Keys). Get a nice meat product, some eggs and mosdef a juicy vegetable like a tomato (def. a veg) or pepper. Combine that with some biscuits and gravy packed with more sausage than ___________________. To drink, pour some V8, Grey Goose, St. Augustine Pepper, Worstasheer (Worcestershire), olive juice and horse radish into a mixer, shake it, and pour over ice. Set up a nice TV tray before your beautiful couch, and enjoy.

1. For the Love of God, Go For America

I know it's ludicrous to expect people to cheer for the local sports team even though they left a town for a reason (the town and said person didn't mix) and still have some "'Merican pride boy!" and "root for da team my daddy and I cheer'd fer togetha!" Fine. This is America. Fuck yeah! I can't think of one reason why anyone living in the United States of America (cue Star Spangled Banner) would cheer against our country, not only tomorrow, but our future, and not only our future, but our children's future (think of the children). The only reason I can think of, is yer one of two things ... Al-Qaeda, or Mexican ... and I'm all out of Mexican ...

I Just Ate 5 Tacos

Things going good for the Red Sox right now:

Jason Bay's face hasn't melted off.

That is all.

I'm pooped, and I wanna enjoy these last few innings. Kaz may suck in the 1st, but if he gets this late in the game on few pitches, good night Boston.

Boston is a great city, and they have very knowledgeable sports fans. However, it's

THE DAY OF THE RAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!


TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMPA

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY

TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMPA

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

We're going to the World Series bitches. Philadelphia can eat a dick.

What's awesome, is sports shows will be inunadated with famous moments in Tampa vs. Philly history over the next week.

And yes, every time I see Barack Obama ads, it makes me less likely to vote for him. Ofcourse, it won't take me to vote for the Rays to make them go to the World Series.

TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMPA

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

After a Break in the action

It's the top of the fifth now. In Tampa, we're already celebrating, which may be premature, but c'mon, it's not premature. I'm already more concerned about Philadelphia. I don't know if it was an email or phone conversation, but I just explained to a fellow Tamponian that Philly won't be a problem ... IT WAS OWEN!!!!! (Memory comes and goes this deep into the Rex Hill)

So yeah, I had a really shitty day of work, and my friends are really making me feel great tonight, as is the wine. Thanks for that friends. I apologize in advance for when I'm a complete cock-munch tomorrow ... and I will be.

You will be

That was Yoda? Attack of the Clones?

It's taco time

yeah, the wine is winning ... kinda like the rays

It's only the 3rd freakin' inning.

Something I don't like about sports is the Sox fans are booing David Ortiz. Without him, they're still booing Bill Buckner. I don't wanna single out the Sox, because Yanks fans have booed Jeter and one day, after the Rays win 10 rings in a row, they would probably boo Evan LONGoria if he slumped. Sports fans are idiots though, seriously.

I really need to start making my tacos. It's looking like my estimated time for dinner is now 10:00. I will have dreams of mice eating eachother's brains tonight. Speaking of which, did anyone see South Park last night? I believe they're in Season 12 right now, and it's still funny. Sure SP doesn't have the depth as the Simpsons, but the Simpsons starts sucking by then though. However, have you noticed in our "HBO Borat Jack-Ass" times, the wholesomeness of the Simpsons is keeping it unique and fresh? It's so rare to see a show that doesn't try to tickle your funny bone that only laughs when something offends you ... okay, I'll stop, but this subject is more important to me than whoever is running against Barack Obama. What's that guys name, that libertarian dude, is it Ron Barr?

Top of the 3rd and Beyond

Okay, for the moment, I've decided against watching the Office. I missed the series premiere, and I missed last week, so I may as well keep the streak going. Hell, it's only a TV show.

Is the whole Red Sox empire built on the fact that they're allowed facial hair and the Yankees aren't?

I guess BJ Upton is good. We've been giving him a really hard time here in Tampa because he's the closest thing our team has to a primadonna. But what's a primadonna ... Cyndi Lauper? Buh dm tsh.

PENA PENA PENA ... 4-0 Tampa Bay.

It's time to start breaking down the World Series. We're playing Philadelphia!!!!

Joe Jurivicius ...

Ruslan Fedentenko ...

What's great about Tampa, is every time we win a championship, we always get the pleasure of beating Philadelphia on the way.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIA!!!!

5-0.

Maybe Evan Longoria is the best player in the history of man-kind.

I would say the Sox are the John McCain of this series, well, except for the fact if the Sox saw Viet Cong coming, they probably wouldn't get captured ... atleast not Pedroia and Ellsbury, those fuckers are fast.

Bottom of the Second

Okay, I just poured Glass #3, and it emptied the bottle. I even let out a Carl Lewis like, "Uh oh" when I saw how big this glass was.

Let's talk wine for a second. I bought a bottle of Rex Hill which was about $25. That's more than I usually pay for wine, but I wanted something special tonight. I should've stuck with my guns though and got the Willamette Valley stuff, or even Kenwood. I went Pinot Noir, because I know how to shop for Pinot Noir. Sure, I like Cabs better nowadays, but I wanted something special tonight, and despite the fact I dropped more than 20 on a bottle of wine, I didn't get it. It's not bad or anything, but there are like 10-20 bottles of wine I could get that are cheaper than this. Money isn't everything. Sometimes I even forget that myself. In my defense, the bottle was very non-descript, and after money, that's another important thing.

SHOCKING NEWS BULLETIN: JASON VARITEK IS 0-10 AND THE PEOPLE OF BOSTON HATE HIM

Oh, and Kaz just hit him. If the highlight of your playoffs is being hit by a pitch, you may as well be the fat or nerdy kid on the Bad News Bears, which is just about right for the Captain.

Uh oh, the Sox are driving. I hope Tom Brady doesn't break his leg.

It's starting to looking like Kaz jumped out of the jelly into a jam.

DINNER AFTER 9 PM!!! THAT'S really GOOD FOR YOUR SLEEP!!!!!

Koko B. Strikeout

Top of the 2nd and beyond

Mike Lowell!!!

That's the guy. In an ode to Goodfellas, one of my life long dreams is to say, "that's the guy" and then have my buddies stick that guys head in an oven. Not Mike Lowell, I have no quarrel with him.

While there's a lull in this game, let me share something with everyone. Something that happened to me today.

Today, I forwarded an email saying, "(client's name) makes me sick. I can't stand her emails" only instead of forwarding, I hit "reply". Sure enough, my boss called me about 15 minutes later saying that if she bitched to one of our managing attorney's, I'd be fired, but he would do what he can to make sure she didn't do that. For about a few hours today, I wasn't sure if I was going to be fired. Part of me would love it. I hate my job. However, in the long term, not making money can't be good for me, so I guess I'm glad I didn't. Now, every time said client emails me, I get to hang my head in shame.

The Japanese have such a good understanding of shame that Americans need. Shame sucks. It's less comfortable than a nut kicking. A nut kicking will eventually wear off, whereas shame can last forever. I'm rambling, but this is a blog. And I'm not really talking about the game, so if people are reading this and hate baseball, they may be more entertained.

Bottom half of the 1st

Scott Kazmir. He's the one guy who could bring the Sox back in this series.

Coco Crisp. What's wierd is, Coco Crisp isn't even a cereal. There's Cocoa Krispies ... and there's Cookie Crisp ... so apparently his mother wasn't too focused on the sugary cereals.

One of the highlights of this series, is every time he comes up, everyone starts talking about there favorite sugary cereals from their childhood, and if it's possible to walk into a grocery store and by Count Chocula, Frankenberry or Boo Berry. Right now, I'm told you can get Chocula or Frankberry, but not necessarily Boo Berry. I haven't bought cereal in awhile, and when I do, it's usually a healthy one, unless I buy Golden Grahams. Golden Grahams are good.

"Game 2 was the slugfest"

Something tells me Game 5 will be a slugfest too, although Pedroia just grounded out. I hate the Sox, I think Pedroia should be riding Big Brown, but he can play second base for my team any time. That guy is good. Speaking of good Sox, one of the guys I hate, the jewish fella, Kevin Youkilis, has been nails at 3rd filling in for the injured guy. Forget his name. He's good apparently though.

I bet the Sox wish they had Navy instead of Varitek.

Man, Ortiz just went down again. Another Sock I like, as long as he's not winning the game in late innings (which he doesn't do anymore). He, like Beckett, has gotta be hurt. I hope his career isn't over. It's possible. Oh, and he doesn't have ManRam batting after him anymore. That's gotta hurt. If ManRam batted after me, I bet I could hit .050 in the major leagues. That may not sound like much, but I've got a beer belly and haven't swung a baseball bat since K of C beat Kiwanis in the little league championship.

Kaz, got out of the first. I think that's it for the Sox.

After the 1st half inning

Goddam Frank TV. If I could have 4 more years of Dubya, and never have to see another Frank TV commercial ever again ... I'd take it. I swear I would.

That's the problem with not only this series on TBS, but I'm an Office fan (which may interrupt the blog at 9), and you cannot watch TBS for more than 10 minutes without a Frank TV commercial.

If Robert DeNiro wants to rejuvenate his career, he should wack Frank Calliendo. And Jason Varitek ... games back on

Blogging Game 5

Did Curt Schilling bounce a ball to the catcher or was that William Hurt? I didn't have my volume on yet.

"Youth Gone Wild" was just played as they talked about the success of Tampa's 2,3,4 hitters.
Say what you want about Skid Row, Sebastian Bach, but Youth Gone Wild is in the pantheon of butt rock. If you check your brain at the door, and just wanna rock, Youth Gone Wild is the song for you.

BJ UPTON HOME RUN!!!!!!! 2-0 Rays

Sports as Religion

Being a fan of something in the entertainment industry is a religious experience because once you start following it for a long time, there becomes this blind following that you accept no matter what, and start not liking things that compete with it.

Sports represents this in the truest sense. Fans fight each other over that emblem on the hat. If you go into Bitterdelphia and wear a Cowboys "star", they will fight you, no matter how nice of a person you are. You could be a Yankees fan you're whole life, and why does it matter? Say you have a family member with Parkinson's or something, and the Red Sox organization raises tons and tons of money searching for a cure for it, it'd make logical sense to cheer for them, after all, this helps your family, but you wouldn't because you're a Yankees fan, and that's what you believe in. This is the same moral conundrum that bothers me as to why Republicans gain the Christian vote. A true republican has a "what's mine is mine" personality which is fine, i respect that type more so than any other, but the Christian faith is a "taking care of your fellow man" philosophy. It drives me crazy that so many Christians fall for the Republican politickin' of it, but they've been doing it for so long now, they can't just switch, it's not going to happen.

In his cooler days with the 49ers, Terrell Owens once after scoring a touchdown against the Cowboys ran the ball and planted it in the middle of the Dallas star, thus mocking the symbol of Dallas. Emmitt Smith pushed him out of that star violently and was praised for defending a mere symbol, because to all the talking heads of the time (and man, there were so many less talking heads even 10 years ago) said he was defending things like honor, and that symbol means something. I thought it was great taunting. It's paint in the middle of a grassy field.

I'm taunted on a regular basis for enjoying two football teams. Sports fans for the most part think it's taboo to cheer for two teams, like I'm following a polytheistic (more than one god)religion. They all have their "god" and no matter what, they've been following it there whole lives and despite the fact that life and circumstances are constantly changing, they keep following that one thing, whereas I'm saying Mohammed and Jesus are both right. In the sporting world, they are normal, and I'm an outcast, but once you throw in things like logic, the situation changes drastically.

The Problem with Mania (In this case, that of the Favre variety)

You know why Green Bay lost to the New York football Giants? Because no one in the entire organization was wise enough to tell Brett Favre "when."

Obviously, I'm no quarterback rating aficionado (god I love spellcheck). It doesn't take Jeff Pythagorean (again) to watch a QB play football and throw rocks all over the field and realize he's not going to be able to get it done in overtime. I'm a fan. I realized Favre's foibles, pointed them out during the worst of times for the Gints, and I was right. Ya know what though? Because I realized this, being a more than casual football fan, I'm sure the Green Bay organization knew this too. So the real question is, why didn't anyone say or do anything?

Brett Favremania. It killed us as a collective whole of football fans this year. The only thing keeping this story from being the full blown hiv, was the fact that the best team ever was over there playing in the AFC. Yes, it took the best team EVER, to only hear about Brett Favre 70% of the time (I know we heard about the Pats more than 30% of the time, but work with me here).

What a story it was though, as a Seabuck fan, I had no problems with Green Bay going to the Super Bowl. Despite the fact I had to watch him throw snowballs at his teammates while the Seahags were dreaming of a nice warm plane ride on Paul Allen's private jet, I still didn't mind him winning. He's the ultimate lead role in a PG movie.

The problem with all of this though, is no matter how much he tried not to, he had to see some headlines, and the earmuffs couldn't restrict sound during all of the media's "Brett Favre is back!" campaign. He started remembering he was once a great quarterback, that as long as he had to deal with Mike Holmgren on the sideline after stupid throws, he could keep his composure long enough to look like one of the best QBs in history, aside from the fact that the cheese eatin' Holmgren isn't there anymore.

See, Brett has been the coach of that team ever since Holmgren left. That's why Michael Vick beat them in the playoffs, and that's why I promise Green Bay will never win a Super Bowl with him still at the helm. I don't see that as a put down. Brett has transcended the game. Who the hell is Mike McCarthy? Who is ______________ (every Green Bay coach (oh wait SHERMAN!) since Holmgren left)? None of these guys are bigger than Favre, and Mike McCarthy is one HELL of a football coach. I'd take him in Seattle easy, once Holmgren announces his temporary retirement in a few days :(. He's not Brett Favre though.

Green Bay had no choice but to lose that game. The Giants didn't wanna win perse, but they atleast were the recipients of getting to see what we haven't seen all year, yet were very accustomed to, Brett Favre remembering he was Brett Favre. He had no composure, was throwing balls with his "I'm Brett Favre Bitch!" attitude, and he sucked. He FUCKING sucked, but Joseph Buck never said a word. No one on the Green Bay sideline ever said a word. Nobody said a GOD DAMN thing, and you know why?

Brett Favre is a conglomerate of McDonalds, Nike, Tiger Woods, and Coca-Cola. He's bigger than Santa Claus. He doesn't allow for a coach, as good as Mike McCarthy, to RUN the ball in overtime, because HE HAS to put the ball in the hands of McNikeWoods-Cola. Imagine if he ran it, and the running game fell short, and he had to deal with the, "Why didn't you put the ball in the hands of McNikeWoods-Cola?" questions? He'd have no answer. He did the right thing. He had no decision to make, even though Brett looked like a poor man's Shaun King in the second half of that football game (if you can think of a greater insult for QB, I'd like to hear it, well unless your comeback involves the word "Gradkowski").

He WAS TERRIBLE. As football fans, we all noticed this and watched. McCarthy couldn't say anything. Donald Driver couldn't saying. Chad Clifton is probably still reeling from future HOFer's Warren Sapp's devastating hit to talk. Who can question Brett Favre? What, you think you can question Brett Favre?

So now, that the game is freshly over, it's going to be interesting to see how the media handles this. Who they wag the finger at?

Some fuckass from Tampa really doesn't deserve to say, "He should retire!" or "He should comeback!", but when his label is so out of proportion with what is logical when calling football plays, how can he help a football team win? He's become Dan Marino, except relevant and without Isotoner gloves (And I swear to god, if he ever hits a Seahawk with a snowball, or beats a 3rd down rush from Patrick Kerney with a queer little pass, he deserves whatever he gets).

Brett Favre is everything that's right about competitive sports. We all know this. The irritating truth is that, well, it's over. He's funk music after 9/11. Football was once a better sport. He's the reminder that there was a time that once you made a simple tackle that stopped someone after a 4 yard gain, you weren't the greatest person alive no matter how coreographed of a dance you did. He's the last representation of our father's game (except Morten Andersen and any other player that appears on Super Tecmo Bowl).

Michigan Detroit Michael Moore Red Wing Lion Piston Goodness

Oh, and I forgot about the tigers ... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

How much time do you think American's spend on making sure their ellipses' are only three dots? Too much if it's more than one second, and I bet it is, because it just took me longer than that to make sure mine was correct.

Okay, so today is the Michigan primary. Let's review. This things I know about Michigan:

Michael Moore is a jolly fat douche bag that makes great liberal propaganda "documentaries"

The Detroit Red Wings are probably their most successful sports franchise, and it's kinda cool that a hockey team comes to mind before football or baseball.

Their other sports franchises are the Pistons (who have Uconn alum Rip Hamilton), the Tigers who should be killing 4 year old kids who "cross the line" at the zoo, and the Lions, and getting back to the Pistons, honest ta god, I have no fucking clue what a Piston is. I'm guessing a baby tiger or someone holding a gun.

Speaking of people holding guns, Detroit is also home to M&M, ya know, that silly white guy rapper who is no longer relevant because after his shock value wore off, he really had nothing. Either that or the fact that it's impossible for a rapper to be popular for more than 5 years. One or the other.

Desmond Howard went to Michigan and did a queer little Heisman pose when he scored a touchdown. I think he won the Heisman that year, but seriously, all I remember is his queer little pose. If you're an athlete, and you planned a "celebration dance" when you score, I bet you've sucked more cocks than most people who don't consider themselves gay. I'm looking at you Chad Johnson and TO (oh, and TO, tissues are in aisle 4).

Okay, that's about all I know about Michigan. They have great lakes and most of the people that live there would rather live in Canada, which really puts Michigan in perspective. Screw Michigan. How seriously can you take any city (Detroit in this case) that doesn't fire someone as inept as Matt Millen? If we could give this state to Canada in a trade for let's say, hmmm, mounties, or an appreciation for hockey, I'd do it in an instant. Honestly, I'd give Canada the state, just so it's not associated with America.

That said, who are the political winner's and losers of the state?

I'm saying Romney and Clinton, why? Because they're the two candidates on either side of the board that lack integrity and originality, the two things Michigonians have no clue about. Kinda like us Floridians discussing hills and snow.

Barry Bonds

Barry Bonds is a jerk. Everyone knows that. Barry Bonds has put up the best statistics of all-time due the performance enhancing drugs. Everyone knows that too.

Blackwater opened fire and killed innocent human beings, and it's not really a big deal here in the States for some reason. Barry Bonds lied about doing drugs, which I'm sure we've all done at some point or another, unless you've never done drugs ever, in which case you're probably a pleasure to be around.

Unfortunately, for Barry, he lied in front of the GJ, and unless you are President of the United States, lying in a Court of Law is going to get you in trouble, and it should.

People now want all his records not just "asterisked", but completely removed from the record books. Those people, are pretty dim, and here's why.

Last time I checked, it's the Steroid Era of baseball, a time line that people say begins after the strike of 1994 and continued unchecked until about 2003 or so. Personally, I bet it started way before that. I bet it started sometime around the time Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco started belting out homers for the A's in the late 80s. Mark McGwire. He was a smart man to retire before the needles fell out of the proverbial locker in the press room. Despite the fact he'll always be shunned and most likely never make the Hall of Fame, compared to what Barry Bonds has to go through, he's getting off easy.

Let's say we do retract his records, and aside from the whole "that's erasing history, which is never a good idea" thing, it being a Steroid ERA, we'd have to retract much more than the numbers Bonds put up between 1998 until present. MVP's; Cy Youngs; All-Time Greatest Teams Articles written by Tom Verducci; World Series Championships ... everything would have to go. That's why people like me, defend Barry Bonds despite the true awfulness of a person he is.

We don't like Barry Bonds, we defend him because he isn't the Anti-Christ. He didn't invent steroids. He didn't make what's looking more and more like 60% of baseball players use them (the number I believe Canseco and Caminiti often use). He was the best player in the game before them, then all of these people like Luis Gonzalez started belting out home runs right and left, and he joined the crowd. Naturally, his numbers became very ... well, unnatural. He basically cheated the best in an era of cheaters, so screw all the people who cheated and still weren't good, let's get the good one who's a jerk. Oh, and he's black by the way. That never helps.

If we keep his records, we don't have to respect them, and maybe he and McGwire do belong in the Hall of Fame, a very special section, so this era is never forgotten. The Steroid Cheat wing. In the regular Hall, you could have "thin on the Pirates Bonds" and in the Steroid Cheat wing, you have "big headed Giants Bonds." He doesn't need to be compared with Ruth and Aaron (despite the fact that he was a far superior athlete without steroids).

We're never going to know when the era started, all the players involved or anything like that. The Mitchell Investigation is a complete joke. I'm sure not one single Red Sox player will be linked because former Sen. George Mitchell is part of the investigation, so that's not going to help. And seriously, as much as I despise everything about Red Sox Nation, if I found out Big Papi was a juicer, I'd be devastated too. He's one of the good guys, damn, even ManRam, whom I've hated in the past, I get now, and I don't wanna know he did steroids. (His "it's not the end of the world" comments were the momentum shift that team needed to overcome the Indians).

Fortunately, the Mitchell Investigation will probably merely give us a percentage, and some keen insight such as "Players did steroids in the 90s", or maybe even "Mark McGwire did steroids" or something like that. Even if it did give us a list of names, what would that change? You can put queer little marks near them, you can choose to ignore them personally, but you can't erase them. In short, we're stuck with Barry Bonds, and worse yet, our only true hope for a remedy is to cheer on non-Steroid proven user, Alex Rodriguez to beat it. (I'm disappointed he re-signed with the Yanks by the way, they were almost likable again. I'm Pro-Girardi though, I think that was the right hire. Now it's just a question of who they give up for Johan Santana).

What disappoints me the most I guess, is that I believe we did get to see one of the best players ever play the game in the early 90s, and due to his own doing, his legacy will rightfully forever be tainted. That's punishment enough. If we start erasing history, it's bound to be forgotten (man, that last line had a little Rick Reillyness to it, sorry about that).

The Bulls Excuse

First of all, as sad as it was to see them lose, seeing Rutgers rush the field just proves how far USF has come. That was definitely the first time anyone's EVER rushed the field after beating USF. A college only rushes the field when they win a huge game against a great opponent, hence USF IS indeed GREAT.

Now, WHY did they lose, is probably the most important question. Let me break out the bullet points: (no offense to Fifty Cents)

They lost their best offensive lineman. Remember when all of a sudden Rutgers just kept blitzing and USF had no answer? Well that because they lost their best offensive linemen, and seeing they've still only been Division 1A for like 4 years, they're not to deep.

So if the other team keeps blitzing, don't you start calling alot of screens? I need this question answered. USF didn't call one single screen. I'm new to this whole college football thing, do they not call screens in college football?

We had two touchdowns taken away. Sure, because of college football rules, both SHOULD'VE been taken away, but still.

Gadget plays. Without hocus pocus, the Red Scarf Knights had nothing except a running back. Still, I can't believe USF fell for the fake field goal. That was embarrassing. I was shouting at my TV, WATCH THE FAKE, WATCH THE FAKE!!! And they, well, didn't watch for the fake.

Perhaps the biggest reason we lost is because after our first touchdown and 10-3, I called Corey and said, this team is terrible. There's no way we're losing to a team this crappy. So it's all my fault. These things usually are.

Selvie went down with a back injury early in the game too. Sure, he still played, but he was really ineffective. If his back was okay, they would've sacked the QB 1 birrion more times.

Okay, end bullet points (no offense Tupac, oh wait, you're still dead. Never mind.) Now, the big question is, how far will they fall? Well, they shouldn't fall any further than whatever West Virginia is ranked, because they beat them. Still, the one thing I know about College Football is logic like that doesn't matter. It's who lost more recently that matters. That said, if they fall any further than out of the top 12, it's complete bullshit. If that was a pure gold helmet, and it read Notre Dame across their jersey's, they probably wouldn't fall out of the top 5. So, I guessing anywhere from 8 to 15. (I believe WV is 8 right now, not sure though).

Finally, what does this all mean in the end? Well, probably no National Championship, but we should still win the Big East and get into a BCS Bowl. Which, if that was an option at the beginning of the season, we'd all be really psyched about. So, congrats to USF for now. They're doing great, and really, has a City ever had a College Football team progress this quickly? It's like their history has happened in a montage.

MONTAGE ... it's going to be MONTAGE ...

Happy Friday everyone.

Stereotypes in Mike Tyson's Punch Out

I love how as time marches on, when you look into pop culture's past, certain comments wouldn't really work today. Sure, it's not like Mr. Drummond ever drops an "N" bomb on Gary Coleman in "Different Strokes", but all the gay jokes made towards Jack Tripper in an episode of "Three's Company" probably would ignite a Gay Pride Parade culminating in the lynching of Mr. Furley, if that show was on TV today.

One of my favorite 80's relics is Mike Tyson's Punch Out, from all the boxer's special punches, to knowing certain cheats to knock them down easy, I've always loved it. This morning, while running smack at one of my friend's in a fantasy football league, I decided to quote Piston Honda. Naturally, I went to wikipedia and found the quote, just so I wouldn't mess it up. What I found when I got there, was fantastic, in terms of perpetuating stereotypes in an uptight society that needs more of a sense of humor.

All Japanese People Eat Sushi and Fly Planes into their Enemy Combatants, the Story of a Japanese Boxer.

Let's start with the aforementioned Piston Honda, who is of Japanese descent. First off, his special punch is known as the "Banzai Rush Attack." Nice. What's even more hilarious, is the good people at Nintendo have him saying, "Sushi, Kamikaze, Fujiyama, Nipponichi..." which is pretty much every Japanese stereotype stuffed into one rambling sentence. Of course, I pretty much pronounce all my "Ls" as "Rs" now, so who am I to talk.

All Russians Are Always Drunk off Vodka, the Tale of Soda Popinski

First of all, in the older version of Punch Out, he was known as "Vodka Drunkenski", which would be a great nickname for my next friend who is of eastern European descent. That's classic. When Mike Tyson's Punch Out came along, they changed his name to avoid the stereotype, but yet, in between rounds, here are some classic Popinski lines:

"I can't drive, so I'm gonna walk all over you!"

"I'm going to make you feel punch drunk!"

"I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared!"

"After you lose, we'll drink to your health! Ha, ha, ha!"

"Would you like some punch to drink? Ha, ha, ha!"

Nice one. The fact that Ivan Drago isn't the ultimate Russian Boxing stereotype is remarkable.

For my last example ...

Out of the Closet: The Story of Don Flamenco

Okay, I may be stretching it here, but Don is pretty gay. Maybe he's not out of the closet, maybe he is. Maybe I'm the one perpetuating the stereotype, but what the hell. First of all, he has a rose in his mouth, secondly, just look at him. Some quotes:

"People like my hair. Don't mess my hair!"

"Hey! Mr. Referee Mario. I like your hair!"

"I'm a beautiful fighter. I have such a style!"

"Carmen my love... I dance so sweet for you!"

If Don Flamenco isn't gay, well, then he's a metrosexual before his time. Or maybe all Italians act like this, thus making all Italians gay. I would've preferred Nintendo going with the "pizza" and "greaseball" jokes, to the gay bashing, but oh well. At least they don't have Mr. Sandman talking jive, or having him designed with tremendous bling as if he were from a L'il Jon video or something.

Football Roundup

Wow, what a great weekend for football, and necessary to because well, The Bucs have to go to Indy this weekend, and Seattle travels to Pittsburgh, which is very much a rematch of the Super Bowl a couple years ago, complete, with home-field referee bias and everything.

It all started Friday, with Tampa's newest Professional Sports Franchise, the USF Bulls, beating the West Virginia Deliverance Rape Scene Re-Enacters. "You sure got a purty mouth!" As the weeks go by, I'm enjoying college football more and more. With all the bad NFL stories, be it dogkillers, humankillers, wire-tappers, and what not, college seems a little less tainted. I can't think of anything more miserable the Randy Moss and Bill Belicheat going 16-0 and winning another Super Bowl, and Randy Moss with his, "In Yo' Face" attitude because we started doubting him. He sucked, or worse yet, didn't try for two years and now the media is the bad guy. What a fuckhead, really. If someone breaks one of his legs, it would be the opposite of how I feel about the Bucs losing Cadillac and Petigout for the season.

Speaking of the Bucs, the defense is back, and Jeff Garcia is the best QB I've ever seen play here in Tampa Bay. Ike Hilliard has now earned the right to no longer be referred to "Keyshawn" (they both wear/wore 19 for the Bucs). Still, I believe the Bucs can absorb these two key losses. Cadillac isn't that bad of a loss, because we have RBs, but you never ever ever ever wanna lose your starting left tackle, because if Jeff Garcia goes down, season over.

Seattle on the other hand, didn't lose any key players in their victory and I still think they'll represent the NFC in the Super Bowl this year. They didn't come out of the gate strong, but they're a botched hand-off away from being 4-0 right now.

Best yet, is the Gators loss. Seeing Florida college football teams have been poor at best lately, it's nice the Gators won the BCS last year so there's annoying douchebag Gator fans everywhere, because, when they lose. It's Fun!

For instance, during many taunts in their general direction Saturday night, they believed me when I said I truly felt the Bulls D would hold them to -3 points. Yeah, really, the Bulls are sooooo good, they can make another opposing offense lose points. Yeah, that's what I believe. Oh, and yeah, a college team comprised of kids 18-22 years old could beat a professional team led by Peyton Manning, in Indianapolis. Sure. I said it so I must have meant it. My guess is that average Gator fan has a sports IQ of -20. But hey, atleast you're not getting tased.

Great weekend of Football. Go Bucs. Go 'Hawks. Go Bulls.