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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Top Five Things 'Mericans Should Do Before We Beat Dem Algiers

alright alright alright

So Les Etats-Unis est jouer une match de futbol (onhonhon) against l'Algeria pour un la transition! on ze nexz round of futbol (onhonhon)

Top Five Things 'Mericans Should Do Before We Beat Dem Algiers, (or lose and Nuclear Bomb It's Citizens for its Natural Resources) Tomorrow!

5. Harass a Mexicano

Go up to some unenglishspeakin' sonsabitch and tell him dis is America! chicano and we don't take kindly to yer type in deez parts.

(Strange how redneck vernacular doesn't write any differently than gangsta)

Den, after we're done through harassin' dem Mexicans, and dey provide dair here berf certificate and such, we apologize for the inconvenience and what not. I don't get dis "reasonable suspicion" thing wr now loud to use, but da Mexican dnt speak English all fancy like ... like dem school kids. So wasn't he one of dem illegals?

(I'm going to be serious for a moment and say if speaking decent English was the barometer for Arizona's "reasonable suspicion (after a crime of course)" the American public wouldn't be shunning Arizona nearly as much ... Mike Seaver says that's one to grow on).

4. Go Out, and Support Yer Local Tea Party

I bn goin' ta deez since that coloured fella took o'er office 'ron here. You can bring your guns and what not, and look all intimidatin' like ... make sure blacky gets da point, ya know?

3. For the Love of God, Not Fill Your Tank With BP Gasoline

One of the things I love about my mom is she has logical views on American economic society that I will most likely never have. As a nation of consumers sucked into a ruling two party system that's controlled by economic powers so powerful they could probably kill Rambo, Chuck Norris, Arnold, Bruce Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Die Hard and Jack Bauer combined, I believe our only power is to hit these companies where it hurts, and that's the wallet. How evil are you as a person right now if you're buying BP?

Then my mom will say, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say! Do you want them to declare bankruptcy, have America lose all those jobs, and not have BP pay that debt!

So logical. One day I may think this far in advance. That 'Merican business has to go somewhere though.

2. Eat a Good Breakfast

Stay away from the sweeter things like pancakes, Freedom toast, and mashed potatoes in cellophane (sorry, the Black Keys). Get a nice meat product, some eggs and mosdef a juicy vegetable like a tomato (def. a veg) or pepper. Combine that with some biscuits and gravy packed with more sausage than ___________________. To drink, pour some V8, Grey Goose, St. Augustine Pepper, Worstasheer (Worcestershire), olive juice and horse radish into a mixer, shake it, and pour over ice. Set up a nice TV tray before your beautiful couch, and enjoy.

1. For the Love of God, Go For America

I know it's ludicrous to expect people to cheer for the local sports team even though they left a town for a reason (the town and said person didn't mix) and still have some "'Merican pride boy!" and "root for da team my daddy and I cheer'd fer togetha!" Fine. This is America. Fuck yeah! I can't think of one reason why anyone living in the United States of America (cue Star Spangled Banner) would cheer against our country, not only tomorrow, but our future, and not only our future, but our children's future (think of the children). The only reason I can think of, is yer one of two things ... Al-Qaeda, or Mexican ... and I'm all out of Mexican ...

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