I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Top 5 Most Child Luring Houses

Wow, what a universe. After I once wrote some horrible neo-medieval 30 page screenplay, my screenwriting teacher explained to me the importance of creating a universe when you're writing fantasy or anything out of the umbrella of real life. Basically, he described the opposite of what I had done, and more like what someone like Tim Burton does on a regular basis. If you're going to be a weirdo, you better be a freakin' freak because there's no half-waying it. The world he creates for Pee Wee's Big Adventure is just another example of him really immersing himself in a strange world.

It all starts off with the classic breakfast scene. Now, a sarcastic cheese-eating a-hole like myself could easily break down all the problems with the breakfast contraption, but it's way too cool for that, and once you start getting anal about the world Pee Wee Herman lives in, I think it's time to look in the mirror. Besides, if any of us had that breakfast making machine and it was fully functional, we'd use it every morning, even though I just can't get over how much time you'd spend the night before prepping … ugh, I'll move on to something else.

Another thing I find fascinating about Pee Wee's world is that there is another adult-child in the neighborhood. You know, Francis … FRANCIS! Naturally, they have to be rivals for the crown of creepiest guy in the neighborhood. Say Francis and Pee Wee were both living in your neighborhood. On the one hand, you have a rich spoiled child whom you probably hate because he's never tasted life's dirt, but on the other hand, you have the eccentric single guy who loves his bike more than any man or woman and has weird shit all over his yard which freak your guests out. He's nice and apparently must have some serious emotional problem, so you're polite to him, but deep down you know he had to come from money somehow. Not that we need Pee Wee's Big Adventure to have some Oscar worthy back story, but just how did Pee Wee come across all this money? I may be going out on a limb here, but he doesn't strike me as someone working a 9-5. OK, I'm starting to hate myself for getting so analytical about a "fantasy" movie, but for some reason I'm trying to imagine what it'd be like living in the neighborhood with two man-children. Do you invite them to your parties? Do you let your children shovel their driveways in the winter for extra bucks? Do you warn your children to stay out of their yard while playing neighborhood hide and seek? Pee Wee's house has that child lure thing going and in fact …

Top 5 Most Child Luring Houses of All-Time

5. Creepy House at the End of the Street

As children, there was nothing more excitafrightening than the thought of a haunted house. These houses were usually unkempt ones that were occupied by some poor widow, but to us kids, she weighed as much as a duck if you know what I mean. She turned me into a newt! I got better.

4. Holiday Over-Decorated House

There's always the one person that goes way overboard with either Harroween or Xmas. If that same person doesn't have children … watch out!

3. Pee Wee's House

Obviously, Pee Wee isn't living in a deed restricted community. Pee Wee's yard makes Greek people's yards conservative. If he has a bike hidden in some secret bush lair, what else is going on there?

2. The Never Land Ranch

Far and away the creepiest. If your child ever comes up to you and says, can I go that guy's house who has all the amusement park rides in his yard? Break your child's heart and say, "no way." The tantrum may be awful, but it's better than years of psycho-therapy.

1. Any House Made of Candy

Trust me, it's a witch. Stay away. I know from experience.

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