An Interview with Jaws

I was granted a full interview with Jaws, any questions I wanted, and here's what transpired.

Me: So Jaws, first off, do you mind if I call you Jaws?

Jaws: (random noise a shark makes ... do sharks even make noise?) RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! (chuckles), just kidding. I'm not quite the monster they make me out to be. Do you mind if I have a cigarette?

Me: Not all Jaws ...

Jaws: (interrupting) ... actually my name isn't Jaws, sorry. When Spielberg made the film, he simply titled the movie that and everyone just naturally assumed it was me. I mean, you don't see Richard Dreyfuss and company running around screaming, "It's Jaws! It's Jaws!" do you?

Me: So what should I call you then?

Jaws: I'm just a fucking shark man, you can call me what you want. I'm just saying my name isn't Jaws, that's the name of the movie.

Me: Do you mind if I call you Jaws anyway?

Jaws: No, not at all.

Me: What was it like working with Spielberg?

Jaws: Quite honestly, he's a great filmmaker, but working with him was too much. I like the guy'n all and I know this was his first big break and what not, but it's soooooooo Hitchcock. I'm surprised he didn't have me attacking anyone in a shower. I think if you take the score from Psycho and play it backwards you have my theme music. It's scary'n all, but c'mon, I wish I was more than just a Hitchcock rehashing.

Me: But Jaws, you are allegedly the first summer blockbuster.

Jaws: (coughing) ... Sorry about that (out of his mouth comes a bicycle). It's tough being a shark because you just eat anything. Your mouth just kind of hangs open ... next thing you know you eat a little kid on a raft that you mistook for a turtle and everyone hates you. How was I supposed to know it was kid, seriously? What was your question?

Me: Any satisfaction in being the first summer blockbuster?

Jaws: I guess I was, wasn't I? Sure, I'm happy about that, but again, I'm cast as the villain. I'm a freaking carnivore, what am I supposed to do, not eat people?

Me: I think it's the manner in which you eat them. You know Jaws, they can't hear that music in the background as you approach, it's only in the movie.

Jaws: I know I tend to creep, but it's what sharks do. Here's the trick if you're person. Swim either in a pool or really really clear water. If you swim in dark water, you're going to get what you deserve. People get stung by jellyfish all the time, yet you don't see crews of people hopping on boats going to hunt them down to kill them, do you?

Me: I had a roommate in college that would only swim in clear water. He was from the Virgin Islands though and kind of a douche.

Jaws: But he never got eaten by a shark did he?

Me: No, but he once intentionally flooded the shower and it's attached vestibule to prove a point. The dorm smelled like shit for the rest of the year.

Jaws: See, and people think I have a bad attitude.

Me: A year later, his house was flooded by a hurricane though, so that was kind of cool. Kind of poetic justice, ya know? Anyways, how do you feel about night swimmers?

Jaws: (laughing) Night swimmers are my favorite. First of all, they're usually drunk, so I get a little buzz of them. Speaking of which, mind if I crack open a beer?

Me: Of course not.

Jaws: Thanks. Yeah, but night swimmers are generally young couples thinking they're about to have a romantic time then WHAMMY there's where I come in. The things guys will do to impress women, it's incredible.

Me: Any regrets? Like the young child for instance?

Jaws: Trust me, if I could turn back the clock on that child eating incident I probably would, but you have to understand, half the time I have no clue what I'm eating. I'm not underwater thinking, "Oh, a child! That's 10 points!" I'm a shark. Things in the ocean just have a tendency to fall into my mouth. We're not exactly a bunch of Albert Einsteins swimming down there.

Me: If you could compare your acting ability to a Hollywood movie star, who would it be?

Jaws: Jim Varney. Hands down.

Me: Ernest?

Jaws: Easily. Sure he was an idiot, but he was a comedic genius. I was always hoping for an Ernest Goes Surfing so I'd get a chance to act with him, but it never happened.

Me: The worlds loss I guess.

Jaws: C'mon, they did Jaws 4! There were like 7 Police Academy movies and countless Friday the 13ths. Was it too much to ask to team me up with Ernest?

Me: (Chuckling) I guess not. You know Jaws, you're a funny guy!

Jaws: What do you mean I'm funny?

INTERVIEW ABRUPTLY ENDS.

Years later, they'd find a videotape in the forest, and make a horror movie out of this story.