It’s funny how St. Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite days to write about nowadays. Pure love in the air. Birds singing. Raccoons and Foxes making out. Boys passing notes to pretty girls they “hate” in school. Ahhh, what’s not to love about this day? Sure, I could send some email about how candy hearts now say things like “LOL” and “E-mail Me” on them, but not even that can ruin something with the true romantic power of Valentine’s Day. Sure, I’m single, but why should single people ruin it for all those happily married people out there, those couples who are inseparable and happy because they’ve found that special soul mate? It’s Valentine’s Day! YEY!
So today, in honor of this beautiful day (and fellas, I hope you all did something special for your ladies today!) I’m going to tell yet another sad story of my life, a tale of a love lost in the 90s.
It started in High School. There was this blond girl that was everywhere, and man, I had to have her. If I reference the Big Lebowski too much now, just imagine how many, “Schwing!” or “She will be mine, oh yes, she will be mine” references my friends had to endure back then. This girl to this day is nothing short of a blond bombshell. She’s like a cross between Pamela Anderson, Megan from Rock of Love 2, Christie Brinkley of the early 80s, and Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies. Okay, that was just put in there to clear the palette I suppose (that’s 3 Wayne’s World references in one paragraph, that will never be topped, nor should it).
If other girls were summer sunshine, she was that first breeze of autumn, the leaves that were changing color, the first snow fall, the first day of spring, the first day out of school when a long vacation begins, the wine glass grasp. She was that first moment when you realize your laundry is done, and it’s the most amount of time before your next wash. Mmmhmm.
Problem is, obviously I wasn’t the only guy to notice this, and she had that special someone, which is great, because it’s Valentine’s Day! YEY!
So, as the 90s continued, I ignored my heart. If there was a Knight in King Arthur’s Court that conquered an entire country for the woman he loved, I was the exact opposite. Senior year came, nothing, college freshman, nothing. Then something happened that threw me, and every other guy that was lusting over her hot body for a smiley face loop. Her obviously not “better half” was caught with another woman.
I couldn’t believe this. To me, this was like trying to get traded from the Lakers to a D-League Team. It was listening to U2 on purpose. It was getting accepted at Harvard, but saying, “I bet Arizona St. has a little more to offer.” Now I had a chance, but was she worth moving over?
Fortunately, this question didn’t even matter, because as soon as I considered it, she didn’t freaking leave her man. Here you have arguably the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever laid on eyes on, and now she’s with a guy that’s openly cheating on her, and she’s not budging. In normal situations like this, the woman would become more unattractive, but with her it worked somehow. She was so stunning, it almost just seemed as if to say, “Look how much of an idiot he is, he has this, and goes elsewhere! Look at how much of an idiot he is!” I know that was merely me insinuating how it looked, but if she broke up with him, he would’ve quickly been forgotten and couldn’t live a complete life in shame. Man, that really made me want her even more. It could be a Valentine’s Day Miracle! It’s Valentine’s Day! YEY!
I know there are many ladies on my email list, so I don’t wanna get too crazy about just how much lust I had for her. Let’s just say, if I could’ve simply kissed her nice soft cheeks, I would’ve gladly given up Phish and The Simpsons, two of my favorite things in the world back then, in a heartbeat. Just a kiss on the cheeks. Mmmmm.
After the cheating episode is where the story gets lost. I got involved in a serious relationship and I couldn’t really devote that much more of my thoughts to her (though I still did in secret). I noticed she never left her man, and continued leading a nice productive life. Shit, if it were this day and age, after the cheating episode, she could’ve become Generation: B-Spears, but this was the 90s, and all girls had back then to look up to was Madonna when it came time for rebellion.
So, I tell this story today, on Valentine’s Day (YEY!), not to bring up old flames that never happened as just another piece of the Zach Taylor puzzle, but I saw her on TV recently and I was taken aback. She was on that Intervention show … hahahaha, just kidding. Seriously though, when you watch that show, don’t you start rooting for the people with the serious drug or alcohol problem? I do, but then again, I rooted for the warden in Shawshank.
Where I saw her isn’t really important, because there she was, gorgeous, her flowing blond hair, her beautiful blue eyes, her soft cheeks, her supple breasts, her perfect ass and those legs. Oh, those legs. I’m sorry ladies, I know if you’re still reading this, that may make you uncomfortable, and I don’t mean to do that, so I’ll stop. But when you have a crush on Hillary Clinton as I always have, there’s not much else you can do.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE!!!!!! YEY!!!!