I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Friday, October 26, 2007

Top 5 Scariest People List

5. The People Who Don't Vote the Same Way as I do on CNN's Daily Poll.

For instance, today's question is, "Do you have an evacuation pack ready in case of emergency?" Obviously, I don't, and at the time of my email 89% of America agrees with me, but what about that 11%? What's their problem? Ohhh, look at us, we have emergency packs ready in case of disaster, are we special? See what I mean? No one likes those people. It's one thing to be prepared for a hurricane, something you know happens on a nearly annual basis, but if I ever went over someone's house, and they had their Apocalyptic Backpack ready, with like 5 cans of baked beans, a few bottles of water and a flashlight, and they think that's going to be the difference between life and death in the post disaster world, well, in the words of Judest Priest, "you've got another thing coming".

This is just one example. I could do this everyday with the people who don't vote the same way I do on CNN's Daily Poll.

4. Woodland Critters

They're diabolical bastards. From now on, I'm running over every squirrel, killing every bear, poisoning every raccoon, sending a dog after every rabbit, and skinning every fox for it's fur. I've already taken out the cat and the possum, but I don't believe they're Woodland Critters so I have a long way to go. OR, I can just get a pet mountain lion and I'll be completely safe, and all will be right in the kingdom. That all said, the woodland critters may be evil, but you gotta respect anything that wants to torture Strawberry Shortcake the way they do.

3. Karl Rove

Speaking of diabolical bastards. Karl Rove is the smartest man in politics. If the poor ever revolt against the upper class here in America, Karl Rove will be the reason why. If Evangelical Christians take over our country and repress our right to be assholes and see titties, Karl Rove will be the reason why. It was no victory when he stepped down as Bush's key advisor. His work was done. Right now, he's in his under water layer, scheming of how he can steal another election within the framework of the law.

"Maybe black people's votes will only count for a half vote" he thinks,
"Maybe if you're poor, I'll create a Free Twenty Dollar Bill at all Liquor Stores Day" he ponders,
"Maybe if you're gay, I'll make it rain naked ladies on voting day."

Don't put anything past Karl Rove. He's gonna get ya.

2. Kiss

Okay, KISS obviously isn't scary. However, when I was a toddler, my brother had this KISS belt and it terrified me. It's one of my few memories from the 70s, that damn belt, and that stupid fire breathing guy. I know this may seem silly, but after the fear I've probably just struck into everyone's hearts with my Karl Rove talk, I just want everyone to realize the innocence of children. They can be scared of KISS belts.

1. There's a tie for #1, not necessarily because I'm scared of these people, but because, well, they shaped evil for me when I was a kid. Here they are:

Cobra Commander
Major Blood

For those who may not know, this was the brain trust behind Cobra, who is basically the Al-Qaeda of the GI Joe World. Cobra Commander would be Saddam Hussein, Serprantor would be Osama Bin Laden, Destro would be Vladimir Putin, and Major Blood would be Kim Jong-Il. Ofcourse, in this crazy world, this all would make Dubya, Duke or Flint or something, and Condoleeza Rice, Scarlett or Lady Jayne, so it's a pretty thin metaphor.

Another reason I use this metaphor is this. It'd be great if God spited all terrorists with snake tongues. Say someone of Terrorist descent tried to get into America. He (or she) didn't have any bombs attached to themselves, so we couldn't deny them for that. They didn't have a big long beard, again no denial. When they were going through customs, they didn't say, "Death to America!", so again ... nothing. There ID doesn't say, "Terrorist" or have the last name "Bin Laden" ... so you see how difficult it would be for a customs agent to differentiate between a terrorist and just some non-American guy. This is why they need snake tongues. Then you just gotta make'em talk. No torture. Nothing, just speak one word ...


Al-Qaeda, thwarted. Ofcourse, Gene Simmons and his snake tongue would probably go down too, but atleast he wouldn't scare anymore kids and create shitty music and reality tv shows.

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