I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Friday, November 9, 2007

The Top 5 Enemies of the Road

Okay, after a brainstorming session on my lunch break (READ: me watching the OJ trial on court TV), I've only come up with 4 vehicles that have reached the elite tier of pissing me off while I'm driving. This is the tier where actions don't matter, where if I see that type of vehicle, prejudices become involved. Car prejudices, the worst kind.

So, that said, my top five (four unless I can think of a fifth any minute) least favorite vehicles to encounter on the road.

well, screw it, a weak fifth.

5. Large Vehicles.

I think this goes without saying for everyone. No one likes a truck, and we all do our best to squirm around them, putting them in the distance. I'm only including this to make it a nice (o) round five. Could you imagine the ramifications of me sitting here spending my early Friday afternoon doing a top four list? Gawsh.


4. Bicycles

I live in Tampa. Tampa is not kind to two types of people, pedestrians, and cyclists (well, and the Irish, but that's like every other city). We have one bicycle lane in our whole city, along Bayshore Boulevard. That's it. So basically, if you're Al Goring it, and biking around town, you'll end up getting hit eventually. I know it's not the biker's fault, with their, ohhhhhhhh, look at me, I'm a riding a bike and saving the planet for our children's children's future ... attitude, jerks. The problem is, they're in the way all the time, and they slow down traffic, which in turn slows me down. I'm on a non-stop to nowhere, and I gotta get there really really fast. If we wanted you to bike in our city, we'd make more effing bike lanes. See how there's no bike lanes on this major street? That means not welcome. And get this, if I run them over, I'M THE ONE at fault.

Here's something else that's always troubled me. What happens if a bum is all drunk on a bike, and he drunkenly kills himself by running his bike in front of your car? I'm sure you'd be cleared by witnesses and what not, but still, that would be on your conscience (has no place in society) forever. FOREVER. YOU KILLED SOMEONE even though it's not your fault. I bring this up because it happened a few years back in here Tampa. That would be a bad day. Another reason to not help the homeless by giving them spare change.

3. Hummers

Whereas the bikers have the "I'm saving the world" gayness; Hummer drivers have the "screw the world" gayness, which is obviously much much worse. There's only one way you can't comprehend that all the gas guzzling of a Hummer doesn't correlate into gas prices going up. YOU ARE AN EFFING RETARDED MONKEY. Sure, I know there are some people who understand it, and still don't care, and they think that's cool because it's their money and they should be able to do whatever they want, but that means you're stupid. The only time you should ever drive a Hummer is if you're defending my freedom to be an asshole. If you're not doing that, you apparently have some status symbol complex that makes you think having a shiny yellow Hummer is the difference between you getting laid or not. If the Hummer is the difference, I'm sure your ladies have class and wisdom and all that good stuff. This is too much now because now I'm getting into Meathead and Status Symbol mentality 101 and well, it's Friday. American's just like everyone else, are idiots.

2. Minivans

They should probably be a little lower on my list because I now have an understanding with Minivans. Sure, they're going to clog up the left hand lanes every now and then, but to balance this, I believe it's fair to cut in front of them, say, pulling out and taking a right to get right in front of them. They drive slow anyway due to their children or the family dogs, or whatever's in that minivan that's so precious that they actually drive 5 miles per hour BEROW the speed limit, so why not make them slow down. If I ever had knowledge I could pass on to my friends to make the driving experience more pleasurable, it's this. Never worry about slowing a minivan down. It's fair. It makes the "having to deal with minivan drivers" experience so much easier.

1. Cabbies

You'd think, due to the fact, they're driving constantly, that would make them better drivers. Many cabbies, aren't of North American descent, which makes me wonder if they've driven in their original land, and the whole customs thing is different, which leads them to think, "I am ze king of ze road, and all of you other cars must reespect me!" If I ever get the chance to safely screw with cab drivers, I do. Something tells me, it's not the whole "customs" thing though, because I'm willing to wager that all cab drivers have a "Cab Driver" 'tude that transcends all race, color, creed, or whatever else you can make a guy on a Dungeon's and Dragon's character sheet. If Cabbies are Pac Man, I'm freaking Blinky the Ghost hunting them down.

Lately, I've wondered, what if Cabbies have reached a driving intelligence that former pizza delivery drivers can only dream about? What if them cutting in front of me so they can take a left, is really some advanced move, and not just an assholish dick thang?

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