I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Monday, January 18, 2010

We Should All Have Theme Music Like Axel Foley

Harold Faltermeyer is the man. I'm sure we'd all love to have appropriate theme music while we were engaging in our day to day activities, especially if Harold Faltermeyer is the one composing it. What he pulls off in Beverly Hills Cop is remarkable. Every single time Eddie Murphy is in a tense situation, the song "Axel F" comes on, and it's all good. For the viewer, when we here those notes, we know some shit is about to go down, and for Eddie, it chills him the fuck out. It's the perfect balance. Sure, there are some situations where you start to get excited when you hear the music, but then you just realize, oh, Faltermeyer is just trying to calm Eddie down while he checks into a hotel room. In a sense, there's SERIOUS "Axel F" for shootouts and such, but then there's LIGHT "Axel F" if he's going to stuff a banana in someone's tail pipe.

It'd be so grand, say, if I was at the grocery store, and I couldn't decide on what TV dinners to buy for the week, and over the grocery store loudspeaker, boom "Axel F." I bet you I'd pick the right dinner every time. Say I was in a traffic jam. If "Axel F" came on my car stereo, I bet you I'd figure out a way to get around the jam. For instance, maybe I could just drive down the hazard lane and when I get stopped by a cop, the music would give me the power to drop a perfectly good bullshit story on him so he'd let me through. That's the power of "Axel F." It gives you not only the power to avoid being shot by about 100 bullets in a row and when you shoot once, you hit your target, but it also gives you good bullshitting powers. The song could give you an excuse to cut in front of the line at the DMV. It could get you past security to see the President. I can't prove it, but I bet you "Axel F" has given high school kids powers to cheat on their SATs so they could get into Ivy League schools.

I'm sure some people are saying to themselves, "Well, that song may be good for Eddie Murphy 'n all, but what about me? Harold Faltermeyer sucks!" and that's fine. That's just like your opinion man. That's exactly the point though, is in the grand scheme of things, how great would it be to have your very own theme music? The closest we can come to this is via headphones. We also wouldn't listen to the same song over and over again either, unless it's "Welcome to the Terrordome" and I'm in 10th grade. The downside is, for most of our day to day activities we need to be able to hear, and as my high school U.S. History teacher always argued, "Man has a social responsibility to his environment around him, and headphones get in the way of this responsibility." I love headphones, but I love this argument too because it's true.

There are times when wearing headphones in public is acceptable, say jogging for instance, but what about these people who wear them while they're grocery shopping and their blocking up the aisle so you can't get by them? As technology advances, there are more devices that are getting between man and his environment. The cell phone is making things much worse than headphones ever did. The cell phone is evolving at a record rate and now people basically have personal computers in the palm of their hand while they're conscious. Someone is trying to carry on a conversation with you at a party all the while sending youtube clips to some douchebag in Minnesota about some fat kid who knows all the words to the newest McDonald's commercial then stuffs a Big Mac in his pie hole after the verse. Somewhere, Harold Faltermeyer is rolling around in his grave, and of course, "Axel F" is playing in the background to ease his pain.

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