I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Daniel Laruso Had It Coming

I could, sure I could finish my list of the celebrities who have passed in 2009, or I could discuss The Karate Kid, which is next up and sooooooooooooo convenient right now.

Growing up as a kid, you are meant to feel as though Daniel is in fact the hero of the movie, and the Cobra Kai are a bunch of dickheaded bullies that beat him up for no reason. When you watch the movie as an adult, you see it through different eyes, and indeed realize Daniel had it coming.

It all starts at that infamous beach party. Let's take this through the eyes of Johnny though. This is a town you grew up in. You've established a wonderful group of friends who all admire you because you are the best at karate. Life's pretty good. You even have the hottest girl in school at your side, but she turns out to be a complete bitch (even Daniel would learn this years later). The break up culminates when some douchebag Ay-talian newcomer from New Jersey comes to town and starts marking his territory. Naturally, you beat the crap out of him. We'd all do the same thing.

It doesn't stop though. The kid doesn't get the message. On the very first day of school, he goes after her on the soccer field. Your friends know you're hurt inside, so one of your very cool friends fucks with the lad a little bit. The freak then starts beating the crap out of your friend. The coach does the right thing and kicks the kid with the bad attitude off of the soccer team.

After a good karate practice, with your adrenaline running, you and all your friends see the kid eating lunch with his mom at a restaurant. Keep in mind, you have that high school mentality, and nothing could be funnier than seeing the new kid having a moment with mommy. Naturally, you wait for him to finish, and then when he's riding his gay ass dirt bike home, you and your friends drive by him and run him off the road. If he was a better bike rider, he could've avoided a nasty fall, but the damn kid can't ride a bike, and that reflects poorly on you? Fuck that.

It's finally over at the night of the Halloween dance. You and your buddies as a sign of camaraderie all dress up as skeletons and you all throw down on a fat sack of weed. As leader of the outfit, its your job to roll doobies, so you go to the high school's bathroom, a very safe place with still some risk of danger so you're a little stressed, and roll'em up. Before you know it, while you're all stressed out, the fucking punk plants a hose over the stall and ruins your doobage. While he's running away from his crime, he creates like a 5 car pile-up costing all those auto drivers money to repair their cars, or atleast jacked up insurance rates because I'm sure none of them have "foolish Ay-talian kid from New Jersey" insurance. When you finally catch him, you have to give him the beating of a lifetime to let him know what he did was wrong, not just to you, your friends and your doobage, but to the entire town. Unfortunately, while you try to teach him this lesson, some Chinaman comes out of nowhere, who's probably been studying karate for 4 or 5 decades and he beats the crap out of your entire click.

The tragedy is, is that it never ends good for the Cobra Kai. They were obviously the best organized karate kids in the tournament, but due to biased judging and some questionable tactics, the whole lot of your friends get eliminated, leaving you to finish this punk once and for all. What happens? He ends up beating you with some fluke kick. Daniel Laruso is to karate what Doug Flutie is to football. One lucky move. That's it.

1 comment: