I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Awkwardness of the Cougar Attacking The Graduate

When I graduated college, I had a degree in Creative Writing, a serious girlfriend and a father who was dying of cancer. Writing wasn't going to pay my bills, my girlfriend probably would have if I didn't already feel bad that she had like 18 jobs at once while still in school, and you know, seeing the Trust fund didn't happen despite all the years I naively crossed my fingers, getting a job seemed like the most logical decision towards paying my bills. Here I could talk about cold calling old people to steal their money to help "the environment", and how it led to my two year career of being a pizza delivery driver, OR I could talk about the fact that there wasn't a sweet pool to lay around my summer days at, while at night I went to luxurious hotels to hook up with one of my parents friends, the Muhammed Ali of cougars.

I do have to talk about how I left the cold calling job though, because it's a fun story. That was a 4 hour a night job where you just went down a list and called people reading from a script. A buddy just moved back down who was going to be my roommate and I really wanted to party with him that night AND hated my job. So, in the middle of my shift, I just walked out. This would be the only time in life I've ever done this. It's a fair thing to do at 21 or however old I was. What's funny, is on Friday I had to go back for my check, and THEY STILL wanted me back. The guy said, "You know, your boss is an understanding man, and he'd love to have you back." I said "No." He said, "Well, how would like to join the door to door canvassing group?" I've never seen anyone in my life who just didn't get it as much as that guy who gave me my last check. Awkward. Anyways, back to cougars and luxurious hotels.

I wonder if there’s some sort of a rule that us men follow, when we’re awkwardly seduced by someone we weren’t expecting, pass on the chance, and we have to call that person a little later to go for it. I’ve done this, and I'm guessing many of us men have. I'm not talking Mrs. Robinson here either, but women whom we may not have been physically attracted to, but you know we're guys and if something can be discreet, we tend to go for it no matter what.

What the awkwardness of the cougar attacking the graduate if said cougar has a hot daughter whom is also a recent graduate eventually leads to, is the shitty first date. In this case, we have Dustin Hoffman taking this nice young girl to a strip club. Obviously, he was hoping something wouldn't happen and forcing the situation to the point where she cried. Making a woman cry sucks, and I guess the good thing is I haven't done it to someone in 10 years probably. Wow, I want to make a woman cry all of a sudden. Sick.

OK fellas, what I'm now suggesting, are places to take a woman on a first date if you're looking for sure fire disappointment up ahead.

I once watched A Clockwork Orange on a first date my freshman year of college. Naturally, that was the last date even though we remained friends afterwords, but our relationship was never the same. That's a compliment to the movie though, what a film.

Travis Bickle takes Cybil Shepherd to an adult movie theatre in Taxi Driver. Could you imagine being a beautiful woman, and lowering your standards to go out with a cab driver because he had huge balls, and then your worst fears come true? I'm guessing the adult theater is not a good first date, in fact, I'd say staying out of adult movie theaters is probably a good idea for life in general.

If your gal isn't a sports fan, don't take her to see a long drawn out sports movie like Any Given Sunday. I was in a relationship for 3 years with a woman whom I knew didn't like sports and she decided to go, and the movie was terrible ... even for me. The uncomfortableness of sitting in that miserable movie theater waiting for the pain to be over made me feel horrible. HORRIBLE!

If you have a wonderful group of friends that tend to have wonderful parties at their house, and intense loudness, ribbing, shots of whiskey and other shenanigans are likely to be going on, this is probably not a good idea either, however, if you bring your gal to this event, and she loves it. That's an A+ situation right there.

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