I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Trouble of Killing James Bond

Somewhere in cinema history, and I'm going to lay blame on the James Bond movies, the idea of suspense became so important, that villains started doing absolutely ridiculous things to kill heroes. For example, in Dr. No, someone tries to kill Bond with a poisonous spider, rather than, I don't know, just shoot him. Yes, yes, yes, we need suspense. We need suspense in unique ways, but why do we have to sacrifice logic?

Let me take some famous killings, and apply Bond logic to them.

Imagine if right before Lincoln was whacked, Wilksy said something to the extent of, "Let's see how honest you are now!" and Abe said, "Don't I get any last requests?" to which Wilksy complied, and Abe said, "Wilksy, I hear your quite the actor, can you re-enact the last scene before my demise?" As Wilksy did it for him, Lincoln pulled a jack move, stealing the gun and said, "Where's your slaves to save you now!"

Instead a lone gunman (or a few gunman performing a crossfire which just seems SO much more logical) killing JFK, what if they just tried to kidnap Kennedy, and then tied him to a rotating spinning wheel. After that, they set a timer in which once 10 minutes had expired (or maybe just a 3 minute commercial break), hubcap sized razor blades would shoot out at him. Also, instead of sticking around to make sure the killing worked, everybody left the room and just assumed it would work, so later on in the story Kennedy escaped and came back to get them.

What if Mark David Chapman tried to use a chainsaw on John Lennon giving him a chance to run?

What if MLK had the opportunity of being tied to a chair that slowly sunk in water and he'd eventually drown if only he weren't a master escape artist?

What if they kept intentionally missing Malcolm X just to see him squirm until some of Malcolm's people came in there and shot down the gunmen?

See how ridiculous the scenarios sound? This is why I'm not a fan of James Bond movies, despite the lovely ladies.

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