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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Most Shocking Would-Be Celebrity Deaths

This is a tricky list indeed. Now that the King of Dance has passed, I'm trying to find out which celeb death would be the most comparable. The factors are these:

A) They have to be HUGE
B) The can't be known for having drug problems, or lead reckless lifestyles (this rules out many, many rock stars).
C) They can't be old. This rules out people like Jack Nicholson and Paul McCartney.
D) I don't know if this is necessarily a factor or not, but Jackson was on the downside of his career when this all happened. Most of these people are too, yet still very famous.
E) These people's after death fame would be huge. Sure, they can't all be Michael Jacksons, but let's say Henry Winkler died when "Fonzy" was huge, most of these people would at least be at that stature of fame.
F) I intentionally didn't include Barack Obama. If he somehow met an unfortunate accident, this country would not only be wrecked emotionally, but like JFK, it would be a VERY polarizing death where many classy Americans would be happy about it in a demented way.

I'll just get on with the list.

Number 10. Jerry Seinfeld

This is my biggest stretch. I'm giving him the 10 spot, because he's probably the biggest TV person ever. Names like Carson and Sullivan are huge, but they're dead. Jerry is 55 and leads a relatively healthy lifestyle, or at least portrays the image of leading a healthy lifestyle which is all we can go by with people we don't hang out with. Sure the funeral in NYC wouldn't come near what just happened in LA, but it would be a pretty big deal if he just died all of a sudden.

Revolution Number 9. Tom Hanks

His career is becoming stagnant, so why not now? Hanks may not be the best actor of our time, but I can't think of many that have the combo of talent and popularity. Everybody likes Tom Hanks! Sure we may be tired of his mullet and trying to disprove the Church via Dan Brown novels, but my generation has been growing up with him from Bosom Buddies to SNL to having AIDS to Forrest Gump. Can you imagine life without him? I can't.

Number 8. Bono

I wouldn't care all that much, but something tells me the world would. Bono is around the 50 mark himself, and again, you never hear of arrests or a reckless lifestyle. In fact, mostly what you hear about Bono is all the good deeds he does around the world. BONO'S ON THE PHONE AND HE NEEDS YOUR HELP!!!! WILL YOU ACCEPT THE CALL?????

Number Se7en. Morgan Freeman!! (too old) Andy Dufresne!!! (not real, but imagine)
Number 7. Adam Sandler

I'm sure things like aging and Chris Farley's death matured him to the point that the crazy SNL stories you hear aren't the same man. Who knows though, really. I have to admit, any Sandler movie I caught after The Wedding Singer was by accident, but let's face it, dude can GROSS. His career reflects MJ's in a way that he was HUGE right off the bat, and no matter how hard he tries, he'll never reach that peak again. I don't think he's "inspired" people the way MJ did, but still, if we lost him, all those crappy movies would become much better.

Number 6. Eddie Murphy

Another superstar of the early 80s who simply will never reach that level again. Murphy, like the early Beastie Boys in a way, is the perfect example of my generation's forbidden gem. The things my parents were most scared of me watching as a kid were "R" rated movies, MTV and Eddie Murphy. As he's aged, times have changed for him and he has his creepy urban legend stories too (transvestite in the front, Eddie Murphy in the back, to quote a King Geedorah song). If he died tomorrow, copies of Raw, and Beverly Hills Cop would be sold out in no time. Shit, I bet illegal downloads of "Party All the Time" would soar sky high.

#5 is Alive. Miley Cyrus

The shock factor would be through the roof. Sure the kid doesn't have the accomplishments of everyone else on this list, but she could very well be as every bit as famous as MJ was, and say she even dies at 50, it will be huge then. If she died now, the children of America would lose faith in God. The Jonas Brothers could go down by each doing a speedball in Motley Crue like fashion, and it STILL wouldn't be as big as Miley going down out of nowhere.

Number 4. Michael Jordan

The compliment I'm paying to the only other person in the world who can go by MJ, is that he's the greatest athlete my generation has to offer. The shocking death here would be his accumulation of huge gambling debts and being whacked by the mob. I can't think of another athlete who's death would have a tremendous impact on society. Sure, a bunch of 13 year old girls would cry if something happened to Tom Brady (and by 13 year old girls I mean the City of Boston), but as much as I'm a hockey guy over a basketball guy and a Gretzky guy over just about any athlete of my generation, Jordan's brand is HUGE. If Sandler can GROSS, Jordan can BRAND. I'm giving him the sports nod over Tiger Woods and other athletes because they're in their prime still. If I'm taking athletes in their prime on this list, everything would change, aside from the fact that the majority of Americans don't care about athletes as much as they do other entertainers.

Number 3. Tom Cruise

If Tom Cruise died tomorrow, here's TNT's weekend lineup:

A Few Good Men
All the Right Moves
Top Gun
The Color of Money
The Firm
Minority Report
A Few Good Men
Jerry Maguire
Top Gun
Mission Impossible
A Few Good Men
Mission Impossible 2
Mission Impossible 3
The Firm
Minority Report
War of the Worlds
Last Samurai
Mission Impossible
Top Gun
A Few Good Men
Vanilla Sky
The Firm
Days of Thunder
Risky Business
Minority Report
The Outsiders
A Few Good Men

You see, it would never end!!!! And worse yet, the marathon, in all of Cruise's douchebaggary would be awesome!!!! I probably wouldn't leave my house!!! And that sucks, but it's true. I'd probably watch A Few Good Men like 8 times. In fact, upon the death of Tom Cruise, here's my personal Tom Cruise movie marathon

A Few Good Men
Magnolia
Eyes Wide Shut
Top Gun
Minority Report
War of the Worlds
Mission Impossible
Vanilla Sky
Risky Business
A Few Good Men
Top Gun

It's like I almost wish he would die just so I can do the marathon. Oh well, atleast I have my Red Dawn, Point Break, Roadhouse marathon coming up soon.

Number 2. Lady Madonna

We all know she's too smart to die unexpectedly. For her to go, it'd have to be a car accident or murder or something, but she just seems way too smart to put herself in bad situations. That being said, could you imagine? I'm not a huge fan, but I know there's really not too many bigger stars, if any.

And the Number One Most Shocking Would-Be Celebrity Death is:

Homer Simpson.

I said Jerry Seinfeld is the biggest person in television's history, but not so. Problem is, Homer's got a pretty bad diet so maybe it wouldn't be shocking. He's had some scares, like the time he ate that poisonous sushi, or the time he tried to jump Springfield Gorge on Bart's skateboard, but he's survived. He's survived countless head injuries that would've crippled normal men, like his buddy Grimey. Throughout all of it though, it looks like he hasn't aged a day.

When Homer dies, I imagine every station in the land will just repeat Simpson's episodes. I imagine Wolf Blitzer will try to get as many interviews as he can with Lenny, Karl and Moe. I bet Marge will be speechless, and PLEASE! PLEASE! WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!!

When Homer dies, it will be a sad day for us all.


2 comments:

  1. What about Dave Letterman? Or even fucking Conan O'b? I would sad if either died. I know what your thinking, "who gives two shits about late night talk shows. Huh, Annie? Two shits, tell me." But come on, for cripes cakes! No more top ten lists? No more masturbating bear, cameltoe Annie, or Andy Richter. Yes, I know Andy isn't on anymore. But, I hear tell he's coming back. How sweet is that?! I'll tell you, my friend, pretty fuckin' sweet! Nice list otherwise. Funny thing is, I didn't even think about Madonn. Huh. -with love, AnnieRae

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