I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Top ____ Things I'll Miss About Hillary

___. The Pant Suits

So yeah, I was up late watching Lake County, Indiana try their darnedest to give the state of Barack Hussein. If he ended up winning that county to the point it got him all of Indiana, that would've been the shadiest electoral process since 2000, or atleast Ohio 2004.

Lake County! You are the reason I only got 6 hours of sleep last night, woke up in the middle of the night to see if Osama pulled it out, like he was pulling it out of a freshly matured camel. Dice Clay says, "Oh!"

The good news for Hillary I guess, is that she didn't break both of her ankles last night and have to be euthanized immediately. I still haven't cashed in my ticket with her "Placing" in the Kentucky Derby. I figure if I hold on to it, maybe I can sell it on ebay. That poor horse.

___. Clap Clap Point Point

I know the pointing stopped like the day after Colbert made fun of her for this, but still, seeing the Clinton family, the Ghost formerly known as the guy who got a BlowJ from Monica Lewinsky, and Chelsea all grown up pretending to be happy last night was fun. I know someone who had a dog named Chelsea ... just sayin. Wow, I'm being pretty rude. That's a bad Zach. I'm sorry.

"I don't wanna be known as a bad guy, I wanna be known as the guy who catches Santa Claus!"
- Homer Simpson, Season 19

One CNN guy said last night that you could tell Chelsea was fighting back tears. It was hard for me to notice because I was watching Billiam clap endlessly with the most unnatural of grins like he was the combination of a five year old who opened a jack-in-the-box for his third time in a row, and a 90s era democratic president who just arrived at the drive-thru window of a jack-in-the-box and got supersized fries by accident. I may miss the fall of Bill Clinton (as it's known to us true Americans, read: liberals) or the "Bill Clinton We've Always Known" (as it's known to the Republitards, whom are about as clever as that last joke), more so than I'm going to miss the pant suits. It'll be close. Just think, in like 20, 30 years, well, I wonder how much ambition Chelsea has. How awesome would a Clinton sibling vs. Bush sibling for President be in the future? What's that you say, it would suck ass? Well, yeah, but it's fun to think about, atleast on a Celebrity Death Match level.

____. Hillary Doing "Working Class White Man Things" trying to get votes.

There was the beer, then the shot, and god knows what else. I'm surprised she never tried to swing an axe in a tree. A big reason why I started detesting her so much during her over-extended run for office, was because I know she's smarter and better than the ways she acted. Her contrast to Obama Bin Laden in terms of being genuine, was just so appalling. Hillary doesn't do shots of whiskey, who's she trying to kid? She would've made a better candidate if she just acted like herself and didn't try to fit in. She almost seemed like the new kid in school, who'd didn't know why all the other teens hung out at the local jack-in-the-box on Friday but went anyway, ordered a meal, sat by herself and ate it, then left.

____. Tiki Barber's Analysis on CNN.

I forget his name, but last night he dropped the, "If my aunt had a male appendage, she'd be my Uncle" on a uncomfortable CNN studio. I love this guy. In fact, the CNN crew did a fantastic job last night. I hope the general election is covered so well. The host, Anderson Cooper, basically stopped giving a shit after 11 and started openly laughing at people's analysis. The Map Guy, who I kept thinking they were calling John McCain, so his name must be similar, that guy does his homework, he even said so, so it must be true. He effing knew what he was talking about though, I'll tell you that. I thought I was about to see my first breakdown of "counties within a county", which although impossible, would've been wicked cool.

There was "always dissenting republican' guy who every time he had a chance to talk, had astonishing thoughts like, "How many people on Barack's cabinet will be like Rev. Wright?", which was great because as soon as he started with his completely asinine thoughts, they just let someone else talk and he looked like at a midget at a basketball game, or yes, someone with heart problems who just mistakenly opened a ......, wait for a it ... trick can of nuts, and those snakes come flying out (there, i spared a 4th j-in-the-b reference).

Wolf Blitzer seemed sad he never got to do his "CNN Projects ______ as the winner" last night for Indiana, or atleast before 12:30, because I never saw it.

I'll stop there.

1 comment:

  1. So, Zach, I'm bored. And I decided to check out your daily shit. No corn or peanuts today? And yes, I know it's been awhile since you have written a new entry. I just have one question. What's with the jack in the box obsession. Three mentions! Two of which were regarding the restaurant. There isn't a Jack in the box any where around here! Just sayin'. -Annie