I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Jose Gaspar Code

Okay, so every year I tell the story of why we here in Tampa celebrate piracy once a year, and every year someone says, "Nuh uh" and I respond with a "Uh huh." This year I'm willing to concede a little, because I've uncovered some new information about the holiday.

Jose Gaspar is not a pirate at all! Psych! (even saying that is probably punishable by catapult tomorrow) How awesome would it be, if we took some of the town's worst people, like those who commit crimes on our children (won't somebody please think of the children (9:09)) and after the day parade, everyone gathered downtown and we catapulted them out of town? Who wouldn't watch this? If you elect me mayor., I will make this happen. Under the rule of Queen Iorio, we'll never get the catapult punishment.

Lost my train of thought there. What I learned this past year, is that Jose Gaspar is a member of a secret society, a society of historical importance, because that society knows the secret of the buried treasure ... yarrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Jose Gaspar is a descendant in a pirate lineage that includes Blackbeard, Bluebeard, Captain Ahab, and of more modern importance, it's his illegitimate offspring that have spawned the Neo-Pirates causing trouble off the coast of Somalia.

When Gaspar and his men rested here, and the town embraced them, there was one secret that no one knew about. While everyone was drinking rum and sleeping with captain's daughter ... arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ..., Jose Gaspar went off on a quest in young Tampa to bury the treasure. This was no ordinary treasure either. It held a secret. No one knows for sure what's in there, but rumor has it, it's proof that traces the evolution of man, all the way back to thee one and only correct God. So, after Gaspar hid the treasure somewhere in Tampa, unknown to anyone, he made a map, and went back to the party. Unfortunately, on the way back, some Anti-Sempirametic cops busted him, and threw him in jail. They made fun of his one eye, his peg leg, his beads, his beard, the parrot on his shoulder ... arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr .... They even made him walk the plank, which in an old timey jail cell meant ... I don't know, let's say waterboarding.

While in custody, Gaspar met a couple of local troublemakers named Ennis and Delmar. He was quite concerned for his well being, and promised the two, that if they helped him bust out of jail, he'd share the treasure with them. So, the three broke out of jail and started back towards the treasure. On the way, many things happened. The highlight of which was Ennis turning into a horny toad.

When they got to the place of the supposed treasure, there was a man there, said his name was Sam Walton, and he had purchased that land and was planning on building a chain of stores where you could buy discounted goods at cheap prices. Jose Gaspar almost took out his sword and sliced him right there, which as we all know, would've changed mankind most definitely. Instead, he told Ennis and Delmar that he had made a mistake and the treasure wasn't really there.

As the three continued, Jose Gaspar took them to a place he'd been years before, a nice little house, in a nice little village. When they got there, a gorgeous woman walked outside and the two embraced. He turned to his new friends and said, "Sorry boys, the treasure was true love. CLACKITY CLACK!" Then him and his woman sliced and diced Ennis and Delmar.

Moral of the story, don't be named Ennis and Delmar, because you will most certainly be taken advantage of.

No comments:

Post a Comment