Why Australia? I'm still bent out of shape about their Santa Claus' not being allowed to say HO HO HO. Seriously, if they're worried about pissing off feminists, maybe they should require Santas to say the word HO three times, if they say it once. Santa's don't just say HO, they very rarely say HO HO, they always say HO HO HO. It shouldn't be a problem.
Why is it a problem? Top Five Reasons why Australians may have trouble differentiating their Santa's use of HO compared to Donald Imus or 90% of the Hip Hop Industry.
5. I bet 100% of all Australian Men, especially those that need to play the Santa roll around Xmas time (if 100% wasn't enough), are either A) drunk off Fosters (Australian for be-ir), or B) just got into a fight with someone who's drunk off Fosters.
England had a good idea many many years ago.
Let's send away all are convicts to a far away land
Now, we have an entire land of people drinking Fosters, hitting each other with boomerangs, and riding around Sydney inside kangaroo sacks hoping to avoid the inevitable dingo attack.
So, if I'm an Australian woman, and my husband comes back from the bar, smelling like a combination of Foster's breath and kangaroo mucus, and my one escape is to go to the mall to buy eucalyptus leaves for my pet Koala, and when I get to the mall, Santa Claus calls me a ho, I'm going to be pretty pissed off.
4. In retrospect, how many years did Crocodile Dundee set back Australian stereotypes? I bet every single man from Australia is either a) just like him, b) just like Steve Irwin, except more alive, or c) an Aborigine. And if Crocodile Dundee waving a big knife around, and scaring dogs with his two finger technique wasn't bad enough, there was a sequel. I bet without those two movies, and Steve Irwin chasing crocs and snakes around ... maybe Australia would have a fair chance of not being completely stereotyped by jerks like me.
3. I don't think they won one single medal when they hosted the Olympics a few years back.
You know why? Because the Boomerang Toss isn't an Olympic accepted event. Sorry chazzwazzers. However, they are getting better at international futbol because well, it's easy to drink Fosters all day and play a rough intimidating style when your ancestry is nothing more than, my great grand daddy was a convict, his son was a convict, my daddy was a convict, and I'm a convict too, without any finesse whatsoever, against a bunch of European fancy boys walking around Melbourne with their men's carry-alls.
2. Another Olympic event that didn't make the cut was Wallaby dodging, which they're obviously good at.
Okay, I'm running out of Australian stereotypes, and this list makes no sense whatsoever so let me end this with other things I know about Australia
- If you get arrested down there (which is very hard because everyone's a criminal), your punishment is a kick in the bum (9:40)
- Again, another thing rooted in the Criminal background is the fact that they have what we Americans call "Australian Rules Football" which in essence, means No Rules Football. In fact, anytime we Americans start playing a sport the wrong way, it automatically becomes "Australian Rules". For instance, say someone is whooping your ass at golf (an acronym for Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden by the way) you could then take your 5-iron, and start giving your opponent a beat down with it and declare, "AUSTRALIAN RULES GOLF!!!"
I'm just going to stop now. Happy Thursday everyone.