I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Friday, August 31, 2007

Finding Jesus (He's Always in the Last Place You Look)

Okay, I'm having a second cup of coffee today, just to write this email. It's kind of like a performance enhancing drug.

Every now and then, on this email chain, we (I) run Celebrity Death Pool. Perhaps most noticeably when Terry Schiavo, The Pope, the drummer for Crowded House, and Johnny Cochrane (speaking of JC), all died within a week of each other.

Now I want to introduce, the Finding Jesus Meter. Basically, you predict when someone is going to find Jesus. It's to the point, with all these perverted republican congressman or religious leaders, athletes running afoul of the law, and comedians who aren't funny trying to snuff it; many people out there need to find Jesus. You can almost predict that, "Yup, today Owen Wilson will find Jesus"

I've sent an email in the past about why I feel bad for the Original J.C., mainly because many of his worshippers are pretty messed up in the head, and here I am again. What did Jesus ever do, to have people only find him when they're at their lowest point in life?

Does Jesus hang out at sleazy bars? Is he there at the race track after you've gambled the family's Christmas money on the slowest horse and you're scrounging around the parking lot looking for winning tickets? Does he hang out in prisons, because people tend to find him there all the time?

Nobody ever finds Jesus, let's say, when a bunch of buddies are together drinking, and you've found the perfect buzz, and it's like, "Holy shit I'm drunk, AND LOOK, THERE'S JESUS!!!" Surfer's never find Jesus on the perfect wave. On bachelor night, when we're sending off a buddy to his marriage, Jesus is NEVER at the the titty bar; in fact, Jesus is never at weddings either. Nobody is ever kissing their lovely bride in front of Jesus, which is sad, because, I'm sure Jesus would love to attend more weddings in his post mortem state. People never find Jesus on vacation, ya know, you're travelling around Paris, drinking fine wine, and BOOM, there's Jesus saying, "You think that wine's good, try this!"

The only time Jesus comes close to "happy times" is after athletes win championships, when they often thank Jesus, but they don't exactly find him, after all, I doubt security would let any long haired fellows wearing sandals into the locker room. And how awkward would that be, if Jesus was partying with you after you won the Super Bowl, (and if you're gambling this year I like Seattle, I think they're going to win it all), and you're cracking the champagne, and Jesus is there, dying for your sins, and at the same time, all everybody can do his thank him, because HE'S THE REASON why you won that super bowl. It wasn't all those hours you trained, or great coaching schemes, and it's funny how Jesus was going for your team, and not the losing team. I like how Jesus has his favorites.

Despite Jesus getting all the credit for a victory, nobody ever says, "It's all Jesus' fault, he hates our team" when they lose. If an athlete ever does says this, he becomes my new favorite athlete ever.

Anyways, I'm rambling here. My second cup of coffee is almost gone. Who will be the next to find Jesus? Is it you?

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