I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Good Movies For Nearly Middle Aged Men

Best Buy can be an evil … you know what I just noticed, that I never indent my paragraphs in theses posts.  Mr. Bornstein would be quite upset with me if he could see me now, but I blame him for showing episodes of Geraldo in a high school English class.  I'm also pretty sure you learn about indenting paragraphs well before high school.  I love that since the internet took off, things like blogging and emailing have nearly redefined the rules of grammar.  It not only makes things easier, but also should free up time in schools for teachers to teach more important subjects in school then things like "cursive."  I wish I had all the time I had learning cursive back, that's for sure.  Where was I?

The other day in my email I noticed I had an ambiguous $10 gift certificate to Best Buy, which expired in the next couple days.  I didn't trust it of course, though I printed it out and went to the local Best Buy and asked about it before I shopped.  It was no ruse. I had a free extra 10 dahra at Best Buy.  The plan was simple, buy True Grit and possibly a new PS3 game or Mario Galaxy 2 and I'd be out of there.  Well, they didn't have True Grit because it wasn't out yet.  They didn't have any PS3 games I really wanted (which helped thank god) and I couldn't decide between Mario Galaxy 2 and Donkey Kong Country Returns (or whatever it's called), so I walked over to the movie section.  The first thing I noticed, was they had Cop Land for three dollars, which is an obvious must buy.  Then, on BlueRay, they had No Country For Old Men AND There Will Be Blood for $10 each.  I couldn't resist!  Finally, I walked back to the Wii isle and settled on Mario Galaxy 2.  Point being, I spent about twice as much as I had plan, so me "saving" 10 dollars turned into something entirely different. 

Watching No Country For Old Men on BlueRay has already been worth the purchase though.  I've seen this movie countless times now (and nodded off to it even more countless times). I've realized one of the big reasons I love it so, is there's barely any relationship stuff in it.  This movie is for men.  It's the opposite of a chick flick.  If I were a woman, I would probably never watch this movie, well, unless I appreciated great films, because despite its pretentiousness, it may be the Coen Brothers finest piece, but one cannot deny its target audience.  A man movie generally either has a few things or lacks specific things that make it manlier than stubble combined with a medallion.  Sure some simply are just dumb action movies, but I have more respect for my gender than that.  Some of these movies run quite slow and are easy to take naps too.  There's not much cutting in the film, there's probably some aspect of good guys chasing bad guys, or better yet, bad guys chasing good guys, if this setting is the old west, that probably helps or maybe a gritty crime drama.  Most importantly, any points of the plot that develop around a love story take away from the film.  I don't want to say "No women allowed" because that doesn't matter as much, but because some blond with big titties is walking around half-naked for men to drool over, that's not a man movie, that's a teenage boy movie.  All this being said …

Top 20 Best Man Movies of All-Time (followed by Tim Allen grunts)

20.  Dog Day Afternoon

It's 1970's paced, gritty (like most movies from the 70s) and it's based on a true story of a bank robbery.  The only un-macho thing about it is the fact that the whole robbery is done because one guy wants to pay for his secret lover's sex change operation. 

19.  The Departed

Leo isn't really a good "Man Movie" actor so despite this movie's great cops and robbers chasing, I can't rank it too high.  Mix in that "Comfortably Numb" scene and the whole relationship with that one chick between both characters, and you almost have a soap opera.  Though, this does lead Matt Damon to say, "Workin' overtime!" in a nice chowder accent which is hysterical. 

18.  Mean Streets

This one is very gritty as well.  You got Deniro and Kietel and it's basically about a small group of guys that are sort of connected, but not really.  It's basically me hanging out with my friends mixed in with some petty crime which is pretty Macho Man Savage (RIP). 

17.  Gangs of New York

Bloody battle scenes make for a decent man movie, but again, Leo is involved and I haven't even to mentioned Cameron Diaz, who well, not only ruins man movies, but movies in general. 

16.  Reservoir Dogs

No love story whatsoever, it's just a simple bank heist gone wrong story. 

15.  The Predator

Jesse "The Body", Arnold, and Apollo Creed are a dream cast for man movies.  Throw in a really huge gun and Jesse's classic "Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me" line and you have a classic. 

14.  On the Waterfront

If I was part of my grandfather's generation, this would probably be #1. 

13.  Scarface

What takes away from this movie's machismo is the fact that Alpa has eyes for his sister, which is a quite gross … that and the shoddy film making.  After all, there is a montage. 

12.  Die Hard

One American vs. a bunch of foreigners is a macho man's wet dream.  It's just too bad "dey wasn't dem mexicanos."

11.  Rounders

Have you ever tried watching this movie with a woman?  It always fails.  I'm still yet to meet one female in my life that likes this movie, but then again, I don't really hang around sleazy underground poker rooms. 

10.  Serpico

It's a slow moving 70's cop movie that's quite easy to take a nap to, which is nearly man movie perfection.

8 & 9.  The First Two Godfathers

Kay takes away some of the machismo and the fact that Michael never really makes as good of a Godfather as his pops.  There just wasn't enough time. 

7.  Unforgiven

King of Man Movies has to be Clint Eastwood still, maybe more so for our parent's generation (and John Wayne for their parents), but he's lasted.  I could probably do a separate top 20 just for him.  Also, I just realized I didn't include one Burt Reynolds movie, which doesn't seem fair. 

6.  First Blood

Aside from chasing people on horse back in the old west, or driving cop cars rapidly on the hilly streets of San Francisco, another great backdrop for a man movie is a bunch of guys chasing another guy through the jungle.  This goes back to our days as children and playing "war" in the woods.  There's something about camouflage that's really cool. 

5.  Gladiator

It's too bad we don't have slaves any more that we can pit against lions, tigers or other wild animals for our entertainment (sorry Adrian Peterson, but multi-million dollar athletes playing football doesn't count!).  I'm not sure which Man vs. Animal battle would be my favorite, an elephant trampling maybe?  God damn liberals taking away our rights to gladiator battles!

4.  No Country For Old Men

This is a classic and a great nap movie once you've seen it a couple times.  Some nap movies are dangerous because you may sleep too long, as the perfect nap lasts only about 20 minutes for a recharge.  What's great about this movie is that it wakes you constantly with gun fire to assure you won't sleep too long. 

3.  Saving Private Ryan

Perhaps the best backdrop for man film is war.  Recently I've begun watching WWII in HD on Netflix and man, it's awful.  Not in a bad way, but it also is beginning to seem like an excuse to show as many real live dead bodies (that makes sense some how) as possible.  I need to find a WWII documentary that focuses on the chronology of the war a little more, and dead bodies and gore a little less.  I imagine it's pretty hard to put a flowery spin on war though.

2.  There Will Be Blood

Daniel Plainview may be one of the greatest misers of all time.  I'm not sure if being a miser qualifies towards man movieness, but I'm still yet to meet a female who likes this one.  There's about 5 seconds of a love story when the kid marries that chick which is quickly forgotten with that wonderful conversation between him and his fake dad about starting his own business. 


1.  The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

No love story.  Good.  Evil.  A bromance that's based on deception that you know won't end well.  Long, slow paced desert scenes.  Many close ups of man faces as gun duels are about to ensue.  Clint Eastwood.  Civil war and a wild west backdrop.  This is the perfect man movie.  There's not a shed of anything unmacho about it. 

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