I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Top 5 Most Unfair Trials

Recent events made me think of some of the greatest trials ever in which one of the participants didn't exactly receive due process.  Maybe conservatives in Miami didn't like the idea of a Jim Morrison getting drunk and showing his limp wiener in front of tens of thousands of stoned ticket buyers.  Most notably, take any black person from the beginning of our beautiful country until Brown vs. Board of Education maybe?  Shit, I bet you can say up until the modern day in most of the southern states.  It's been 150 years, and they're still crying over the Civil War down here.  It's pathetic really.  I won't dwell on it any further. 

Instead, time for the list …

5.  Homer Plessy

He was the victim of arguable the worst Supreme Court Decision ever.  I always thought the Dred Scott decision was worse because of its anti-humanity message is much worse than a decision which at least acknowledges some sort of human rights, but my U.S. Government teacher in high school disagreed.  He wore Ambervision sunglasses though, so I'm probably the big winner in the end. 

4.  Tom Robinson

He was the guy good ol' Atticus Finch defended in To Kill a Mockingbird.  When Terrell Owens got nearly naked with that "Desperate Housewives" chick before a Monday Night Football game there was a little bit of a public outcry, and that was in the early 2000s.  Go back in time to the late 1930s and have a white woman cry rape around a black man, and well, let's just say there will be blood.  Poor guy didn't have a chance. 

3.  Jabez Stone

You may remember this character from "The Devil and Daniel Webster."  It was either him, or the time Homer Simpson sold his soul for a donut and was tried by the Jury of the Damned (otherwise known people who show up for jury duty in Arizona).  They're both the same story and letting Satan choose the jury is probably going to lead to an unfair trial.  Fortunately, Jabez had Daniel Webster. 

2.  The Koh-ran

That Jesus cult up in Gainesville quietly put the Koran on trial after the publicity died down.  Yes, they went through an actual trial before they burned it (and I thought I had too much free time on my hands).  This is my problem with Athiesm.  We absolutely need a judging God and a hot hot hell for these crazy intolerant religious fanatics to burn in, like the books they're not fans of apparently.  My highlight of that whole awful batch of southern American stupidity is when that redneck child molester with the moustache who runs the church tried to reach an agreement with some short little Muslim dude over what and what can't be built near the World Trade Center.  Here's the photo:

It's just so awkward.  I can't help but think aside from all the violent protests and people dying over this, at least we have this photo.  It reminds me of when the midget helped Homer off the stage during Lullapalooza back in '96.  There's even some weirdo in the back.  What side do you think he's on?  I really have no idea, with or without the American flag. 

This is life in the south.  Here in Florida, our beautiful congressman and our wonderful governor are pushing bills into law that involve the government giving money to religious groups (because our Florida government has such an abundance of resources after turning down the monorail (which I'm okay with btw) and isn't joining the Gulf State suit against BP because Rick Scott knows what it's like to be on the receiving end of a class action law suit and it makes him feel bad); a school voucher system which would basically mean that my tax dollars could wind up funding some poor brainwashed child going to a religious school); and best yet, these reps who think Health issues should be private, want to make sure women who apparently aren't smart enough to know what they're doing when asking for an abortion from their doctor see a sonogram and have it explained to them before the process, which is obviously extra dollars that could be saved.  If your stupid enough to not know what your doing when making what is probably the most difficult decision in one's life, how good of a parent are you going to be?  Ugh.  This is the state I choose to live in because of beautiful weather. 
Anyways … the #1 most unfair trial of all-time …

1.  OJ!!!!

No, no, no.  Not the double homicide trial.  Or maybe that was unfair, just in his favor, but I'm talking about him receiving multiple life sentences for simple theft or whatever he did in Vegas.  What, he deserved it?  Of course he did.  Here's a new #1.

1.  The Salem Witch Trials

If Monty Python and the Holy Grail is any indication, these women didn't have a chance.  As you can also tell by my anti-Florida rant, we may begin resuming this practice down here very soon!  Loose and free-thinking women, watch out!


  1. I don't get it. The tea party helps elect Rick Scott on the basis of smaller government and less intrusion yet he supports this stupid abortion bill. Sure we could argue the conception/abortion issue forever, but putting more government in place when you ran on the tea party platform is just hypocritical in my opinion.

  2. The trial of Jesus Christ