I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Tom Cruise Power Rankings!

Tom Cruise is going to die one day, and many will be sad and another contingent will be indifferent.  I don't think anyone will be happy.  It's not like he was ever a bad person or anything, just king of the douchebags.  If you ever read a book called Our Guys about some jocks raping a semi-retarded girl in a high school in Glen Ridge, New Jersey (the same high school Cruise attended, though not at the same time of this awful incident), it gives a great insight to the jock mentality of that town and the surroundings in which Cruise grew up in.  His "acting" isn't really a stretch from that. 

He probably peaked as an actor during the Millenium turn, and some would say Vanilla Sky was his last great movie.  Problem is that he's awful in that movie.  He's everything we hate about him.  He does his classic "run real fast" sequence, he's a cocky spoiled brat that inherited his fortune and treats it like a child, he overacts as bad he does in anything else basically yelling at times for no reason at all, and worst of all, he steals Jason Lee's girl.  What a dick.  Basically, this role is perfect for him.  When Tom Cruise dies, there's going to be a great movie marathon though, and here's my power rankings of the ones I want to see the most:

The Top 10 Best Tom Cruise Movies Suited For His TBS Marathon After His Tragic Death:

I've eliminated his main pure drama movies because let's face it, we don't want to see Tom Cruise try to act serious.  It never works for him and it gets worse as the film ages.  Therefore, I've cut Far and Away; Born on the 4th of July and Rain Man. 

Also missing the cut:

War of the Worlds – Always fun until after the first disintegration scene.  Cruise's "son" in this one, is about 100 times more annoying than Cruise, which isn't good. 

The Last Samurai
Jerry Maguire
The Firm – Though, a classic Tom Cruise running scene appears here as well.

10.  The Color of Money

"Tom Cruise is a cocky young pool shark.  And he's about to find out, that being a cocky young pool shark, isn't all it's cracked up to be."

How can you not want to see a cocky Tom Cruise play pool in a shirt with his name on it?  Can you imagine me going out to a bar wearing a shirt that said "ZACH" on it? 

9.  Vanilla Sky

"Tom Cruise is a cocky trust fund baby who's been given the keys to his dad's large publishing firm.  And he's about to find out, that being a cocky young publishing executive, isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Aside from a great soundtrack, and seeing Tom Cruise's face get all messed up, it's a pretty overrated film. 

8.  Minority Report

"Tom Cruise is a cocky PreCrime detective.  And he's about to find out, that being a cocky PreCrime detective …"

What's strange about this is Cruise did this and Vanilla Sky back to back and his face gets fucked up in both of them. 

7.  Mission: Impossible

"Tom Cruise is a cocky undercover CIA agent …"

Though I'm not a fan of the series in general, the first one is a lot of fun, but probably because Jon Voigt and Emilio Estevez are in it. 

6.  Risky Business

"Tom Cruise is a cocky spoiled high school kid that's left home alone by his trusting parents.  And he's about to find out, that being a cocky spoiled high school kid that's left home alone by his trusting parents, isn't all it's cracked up to be."

What a surprise for his breakout role. 

5.  Eyes Wide Shut

"Tom Cruise is a cocky and extremely wealthy doctor …:

I'm still convinced it was working with Kubrick that led to the divorce between him and Nicole Kidman. 

4.  Top Gun

"Tom Cruise is a cocky air force pilot.  And he's about to find out …"

If you haven't seen this movie on BlueRay or HD, you may want to avoid it.  It's sweatier than you think. 

3.  A Few Good Men

"Tom Cruise is a cocky Naval Academy attorney.  And he's about to find out, that being a cocky Naval Academy attorney, isn't all it's cracked up to be."

2.  Tropic Thunder

I'm going to stop that crap now.  This one works so well because you don't know it's him for awhile, or at least I didn't, but I have a history of missing the point on things like this.  Anyways, great comedy.

1.  Magnolia

This is probably Cruise's best performance.  Yes, he's just Tom Cruise as usual, but there's so much more shame in the character that it makes it a better role.  Whereas his other roles are allegedly "cool guys", he's not a cool guy in this, though just like in real life, there are some misguided idiots who believe he is.

No comments:

Post a Comment