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Friday, April 30, 2010

The Silliest Characters in a Few Good Men

Okay, okay, I know that's more of a "Duh" statement than a bold one, but let's not forget, this movie was nominated for Best Picture, and the Academy doesn’t normally use criteria like "Overacting" or "Cheesy One Liners" when determining its selections so at least back in the early 1990s, "people" thought this was a good movie. So why did this movie fail the test of time so horribly?

For starters, it begins with the great naval academy scene with the guns being all flipped around and what not then all of a sudden there's Demi Moore talking to herself. Ugh. Yes, this woman who's risen pretty high in the naval ranks, still has plenty of self doubts which leads to her talking to herself. The character itself almost seems sexist by today's standards. It's quite rare that I want to call a woman a douche, but Demi nearly earns it because she also belts out fun phrases like, "My jurisdiction is in your face!" God, I'd love for an appropriate time in my life where I could use that line on someone.

Unfortunately, she's not the only one mucking up this movie, so that being said, here is my Silliest Characters in A Few Good Men list:

5. Jack Nicholson

Yes, he's the one that makes this movie so enjoyable. Pretty much everything he says in this movie, is awesomely hysterical. From his out-of-nowhere crack on Lt. Weinberg to his "you want me on that wall" speech. There's no way in hell though, that he would've lost his mind like that in the court room. You don't get that high in the military if you can't keep you're cool under pressure. Between he and Demi, apparently this movie is saying people can be really successful in climbing the United States Military Chain, but yet not be professional enough to be disciplined in a court room setting.

4. Dawson

What a douche. That little hissy fit he throws when he doesn't salute Tom Cruise … oh, poor little baby, are your feeling hurt? Can't remember who played him, and I'll just lay the blame on his character, but he was just awful. People in general who act like machines and simply follow orders rather than use judgment skills really freak me out, but I guess the actor did a good job of playing someone who does exactly this, because I was REALLY freaked out. (Well, I wasn't freaked out at all, but you know what I mean).

3. Demi Moore

I've already gone over her on top.

2. Col. Markinson

Talk about over-dramatic … killing yourself over this case? Really? Dressing up in your fancy clothes than shooting yourself with a fancy pistol … over this? If the Colonel is feeling stepped over or at all responsible for the Code Red, the correct page to turn to in his very own "Choose Your Own Adventure" drama, was page 46, the one where he goes on a bender followed by a dishonorable discharge. This is much better than suicide, and people are always forgiving of a bender.

1. Tom Cruise

The highlight of it all is when he freaks out and yells, "galactically stupid" followed by him throwing all the papers off the desk. Sure, this is just typical Cruise overacting, but for those of us who don't like him as his cocky attitude ruins nearly all of his movies, and in this one in particular, he is indeed the perfect caricature of himself. It's either this, or Vanilla Sky if you want to see Tom Cruise's best "Tom Cruise playing stereotypical Tom Cruise". Does this work by a director saying, "We need someone to play that stereotypical Tom Cruise performance, do you think we can get Tom Cruise? No one does it better." If that's what he's trying to do, he comes up aces here. This movie will definitely be part of my all day "Remembering Tom Cruise" movie marathon when if dies tragically.

2 comments:

  1. Clearly you've never been in the military, and you're simply an asshole when it comes to well-written and acted drama. Perhaps "Knocked Up" is more your speed.

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  2. Come on anonymous, I really like this movie, but if you don't take things too seriously, this post is a hilarious read. Especially in the context that it is now 2012.

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