I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Top 5 Shortest Termed Presidents

I decided against writing "Zachary Taylor will be out of the office on Monday, February 15th, in observance of President's Day" for mainly one reason, I try to stay as dry as possible in the corporate work environment and someone as sarcastic as myself can't pull that off. In order to pull something like that off, you have to be completely clueless of how ridiculous it sounds which would basically be my anti-thesis. All sarcasm aside, my name being similar to that of the 12th President of the Etats-Unis, it gives it a different meaning entirely ... or it would, if he were not deceased. THEY DUG UP MY BONES BITCH!!!! THEY DUG UP MY BONES!!!!

It's so messed up though, and this is what a society of science leads us to. The thirst for knowledge is so important, they will dig up someone's bones to test for poisoning in the decomposed carcass that was buried more than 150 years ago. Do we really need all the answers? I DIDN'T DESCEND FROM NO MONKEY!!!!! Alright, I'm drifting off the course here, and it's President's day, I need to go put my George Washington and Abraham Lincoln figurines out in the front yard and align my house with red, white and blue lights. I need to go buy my nephews some Presidents of the United States trading cards with disgusting gum.

I'm tempted to drop a Top 5 list this morning, along the lines of the Best Presidents of All-Time, and then put Barack Obama at #1 to piss off some random red stater that may be reading my blog, but I try to keep my politickin off my blog and some days I do better than others. Besides, Mt. Rushmore already gives up the Top 4 Presidents of All-Time, no? If you're head is carved into the side of the mountain, I'd say that transcends just about any opinions about you. Any argument brought up against you can always lead to the retort of, "Yeah, my heads carved into the side of a mountain bitch, what'chya got, some library in Arkansas named after you?"

This leads me to the worst Presidents. In this case, I'd have to intentionally leave off George Bush (maybe both) in hopes to piss off some blue stater out there who's still convinced Dubya lied to the American public in order for us to go to war in Iraq, but that's so 2004 and this is 2010!!!! I don't feel there have been enough 2010 fireworks, literally or figuratively. The other day at work I got an email from an evil agent who had his commission check made out to his company rather than him personally and in his angry email he proceeded to tell me it was 2010 and our company needs to get with it. Awesome, because obviously, if it were still 50 days ago, and 2009, it would have been completely acceptable to make this mistake. Sure dude irked me a bit, but now any time I sense any weakness or failure in anything, I can now use that myself. Cashier at the grocery store is having trouble scanning the brownies I purchased from the bakery section? It's 2010! Get with it! Someone doesn't bring any beer to the party? Go back to the store guy, this is 2010!

I'm getting off the subject of President's Day, but here's the deal with today. I'm not working. I am at home, it's just past 9 in the morning and I just rolled out of bed. The first thing I wanted to do with my off day is write and drink coffee. I can't imagine how great it would be to be able to do this for a living. It's a good day to talk about America and Presidents and what not. I'm going to leave you with a list in my moment of Wikipedia time. It's 2010, so this list was quite simple to make.

The shortest termed Presidents of the United States!!!

1. William Henry Harrison

I just realized I'm doing this list in reverse from how I normally do them, but I'm not going for any suspense here. Many of us know he was the shortest termed President because of The Simpsons episode in which the kids do a play and one them says, "I'm William Henry Harrison and I died in 30 days!" What some people don't know, and this is my Wikipedia learned fact of the day is that Harrison gave the longest Inaugural speech of any President. The nerve. Maybe if he saved a few breaths, he would have lived longer.

2. James A. Garfield

Assassinated less than a year into his term, WHILE he was chasing spiders and eating lasagna. Sorry, had to do it. At least I didn't bring up his cousin Odie. You try to think about something clever to say about James A. Garfield.

3. Barack Obama

Goddamn liberals love this guy so much and he's the third shortest term President ever. That sucks. I was in office longer than this guy and got less done. Now that I've realized he's the third shortest term President ever, I'm starting to understand why Glenn Beck's fatass and Bill O'Reilly's grumpy old man shtick dislike him so much. When he's comparable to Garfield, that's pretty bad. How many squirrels do you think Bill O'Reilly chases out of his yard a day? Do people like Beck and Rush Limbaugh ever find true love? Do they have fun on vacation? Do they ever enjoy the smell of flowers?

4. Zachary Taylor

Number Four bitch!!!!! If this Barack Obama guy keeps being President, I'll resume my rightful role of #3. What'chya got? Some funny jokes? When you're President for as little of time I was, come talk.

5. Warren G. Harding is technically #5, but how boring is that. Let's go with Gerald Ford, who is Number 6. Now, I don't want to get into the whole conversation he had with Nixon in which pardons were exchanged for Presidencies, instead, I'd rather just remember the time he was on the Simpsons and watched football with Homer. He seriously could be the worst President of All-Time though, because he forgave the man who probably was.

I'm done for now. I'll leave you with this link, which is Presidents who have appeared on The Simpsons. Happy President's Day everyone!!!!

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