I swear i'll be writing more in 2014

Sunday, August 30, 2009


It's too bad this guy never got a chance to coach football.

I always wonder if I ever would've went to war for America. In the words of the late Michael Jackson, "I'm a lover, not a fighter." If something like World War II is happening, and there's this really powerful evil force that needs to meet an end, I suppose I'd have to fight right? I imagine the American men who didn't fight in that war and could've, probably didn't feel too good about themselves when the troops came home so I'm going to check "yes" for that war.

The Civil War isn't quite as noble. When you're young, you're under the rouse that it's about freeing black people from the shackles of slavery, but that really wasn't it. Would I have fought for the Union? Hmm. That depends on how misled the Union soldiers were at the time. If I truly believed I was there to fight to end slavery, of course I would have, but if I was a liberal then as I am now, wouldn't my paranoid evil right wing theories come into play and realize that that no good son-of-a-bitch Lincoln was a Republican and plotting an Empirical take over of the entire world?

The Revolutionary War is another "yes." The Revolutionary war was great in the fact that yellow bellied Americans hid in trees instead of just meeting the British straight up in a battle as was the custom at the time. This was similar to terrorism then because it broke the rules of battle, but really, the Americans had no choice. If we met up with the Red Coats straight up they would've destroyed us. It'd be like the Detroit Lions competing with the New England Patriots in the 2000s, except we prolly still would've killed a few Brits under the leadership of George Washington, whereas the Lions had the leadership of Matt Millen. There's a pretty wide gap of leadership skills between those two guys to say the least.

Other than that, I probably wouldn't have fought in any other American wars, but oh oh oh, that doesn't mean there aren't any other wars I would've fought in.

The Battle of Helms Deep is a no-brainer. There was no choice. In fact, any battle where evil Lord Sauron is involved, as a man, you don't have much of a choice.

I also would've loved to attack the Death Star. I really feel like I missed something there. Even something as simple as being Luke's "wingman" would've been great. I don't think I could've teamed up with Ewoks though for the Battle of Endor. Those Ewoks were assholes. Everyone always points the finger at Jar Jar Binks or Hayden Christiansen, but it was really those damned dirty Ewoks that started destroying a beautiful movie franchise.

I probably would've sided against Keanu in the Matrix war, or whatever happened there.

I guess I would've sided with man versus machine in the Terminator war, but that hasn't happened yet, so who knows.

The point of this all though, is me being such a sweet, loving, post-hippie, smiles and sunshine guy, how would I put on my battle face for any of these wars? General Patton. Granted it was probably more so the writing than the acting, but that opening monologue had me ready to fight some Nazi scum.

Remember, no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.

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